The Total Femme

This morning when I was walking our extremely important little dog, I passed a neighbor who was getting into her car. She gave us a friendly greeting, then said, “All snug?” The dog was wearing his most excellent purple wrap, so yes, he was indeed, all snug, and she and I shared a chuckle.

I noticed she was wearing a wig. I noticed she was carrying a book. It reminded me of when I was getting chemo, except I had a snuggly hat, not a wig. I wondered if she was sick. I noticed. I wished her all the best.

As I walked on, I thought about how much I’m always noticing. I got to wondering about it.

Don’t we notice, sweet sisters? Isn’t it a part of our survival technique? Seeing below the surface, being aware, keeping our wits and our senses about us. It’s second nature to me, reading the room, reading the straight people, especially the straight men. Eyes wide open all the time. Working all the time. Up against homophobia, transphobia, capitalism, extraction, always showing up in spite of very bad return on investment, in the face of mysogony, racism, but you can get married now, aren’t you fine? Don’t you have everything we think you should want?

I notice in order to survive. I notice out of desire to connect.

I loved that the neighbor noticed the dog (very proper – he is wonderful), but I can never take it for granted that I’m at all in view. Over and over, it turns out that I’m not for so many people.

 How much energy it takes. How little we get back – not always, but so often. Invisible.

Currently, both Tex and I are struggling. Not in our relationship, thank heavens, we’re strong and solid there. But in other areas of our lives, work, health, family, community. So much so that I wrote in my journal last night, “It feels like me and Tex against the world,” and this morning Tex wondered mournfully, “What the hell did we do in our previous lives to deserve this?”

Chronic shit just builds up, doesn’t it?

And sometimes, making lemonade, finding ways to be grateful, looking on the bright side, doing affirmations, all of it, sometimes that’s good and right and helpful, and sometimes it’s fucking shooting yourself in the foot and facing the shit wounded and limping.

Sometimes, it’s good to be aware and angry and not going to fucking take it anymore.

My complex, glorious, valuable, extraordinary femme heroines, where are you trying to connect and it’s just eating you up? Maybe you can’t get out of the situation(s), but at least you can be aware. And maybe you can take down the wires. Disconnect on your end, string them up somewhere else.

Somewhere where you can be all snug. Relaxed. Yourself. Seen.

“We’re moving to a new neighborhood,” a friend recently told me. “And we’ve promised ourselves we won’t present as helpful homos the way we did in our old neighborhood.”

Good! Good for you!

We are up against it, my darlings, and we have to be aware and protect ourselves, find our community of lovers and friends and family and colleagues and not take it anymore.

Why?

Because we need to be loved and cared for as our full selves. Noticing and noticed back. Connected and connected.

This morning, with my important little dog by my side, thinking these thoughts about noticing, being noticed, connecting, and disconnecting, I found a dime in the park. Made me think of the Nichols and Elaine May skit I grew up listening to, and I will leave you with it. Listen to the whole thing. I promise you it’s worth it. To me, it’s a reminder of how hard we work and how we get fooled into relaxing and believing the Man when really:

BELL TELEPHONE DOES NOT NEED YOUR DIYUM!!!

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com