Meditations for Queer Femmes – Spreadsheet Life

For some of us, our lives are spreadsheet lives. We need meds at certain times, we’re on medical diets, full of complicated fractions and fractious complications. Our days are made up of shuffling the hours so we can get our PT our OT our meditation contemplation divination rumination and whichever the other props and supports we need to get up and running, all parsed out amongst our work, our caregiving of others, our jim jams and flim flams, and frustrations.

            Spreadsheet life. There it is, in all it’s excel glory. This, then that. Plod, plod

            A friend tells me that people who look at the sky for 20 minutes a day are happier and more satisfied.

            Put it on the spreadsheet.

            A saying popular when I was young: Stop the world, I want to get off!

            How to address that intense desire for peace when you’re on the spreadsheet treadmill and one false step will drag you down and through until you’re flattened and flapping?

            Damn, that wasn’t relaxing!

            Yes, sure, some days you can flip it and be grateful for all the everythings that are helping you stay upright and somekinda functioning.

            Wonderful spreadsheet!

            How grateful I am for your guidance and greatness!

            You help me live my super best life!

            Consider the alternative!

            Other days…

            At least, sweet boxed in maxed out beloved queer femme beloveds, we have each other.

            For me, today, it comes down to that.

            You are with me. One foot in front of the other, marching, skipping, dancing. Perfecting your low-FODMAP, low-sodium, high-calcium, no-gluten, vegan Mediterranean diet concoctions. Locating walker-friendly nature paths. Loving your service dogs and letting them love you. Managing the ever-evolving FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE technological supports and crashing through the medical mishegas.

            Some of you speak up and out and I love you.

            Some of you manifest strength differently, more privately, and I love you.

            I love all of you, with your queer femme energy, out there – OUT THERE! – sticking it to the spreadsheet day after day.

            And today, flawed and flammable, wondering about the joy and the future, two minutes, two days, two months from now, here we are together.

            My deepest admiration.

            My most femmecentric thanks.

            I couldn’t do it without you.  

Many a Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com

Published in: on April 24, 2023 at 10:42 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – On the Passing of Robin

           

Yesterday Tex and I attended the memorial service for Robin Maltz, who died last month after a long and difficult illness. Her butch lover, Rob, attended her devotedly to the end and she died in Rob’s arms. Rob’s elegy was deeply moving and I hope to be able to share part of it as well as Robin’s obituary in a future post.

I didn’t know Robin very well, but she was one of the very first queer femmes I met after coming out as femme. Like many of the folks who spoke at her memorial service, my first impression of Robin was anything but warm and fuzzy. This despite my hunger for queer femme friends and for butch/femme community.

However, according to Rob, about ten years ago, a friend asked Robin why she was so hard on people – and believe me, she really was. Robin took that to heart, effecting changes in her caustic interface with the world so successfully that, in the end, there was nothing but a joy for life and a sincere, loving generosity towards herself and others.

The people who spoke at her memorial, the ones who spent time with her at the end of her life, had nothing but admiration and love for Robin. When I think back to my first impressions of her – impressions that made it quite clear that I wouldn’t be pursuing a friendship with her – I am humbled to realize that had I reached out in these past few years, Robin and I might have had much to share and give each other.

Rest in power, peace, and pussy, Robin! We didn’t get there in life, but I will keep your memory alive, as Rob asked us to. I will remember your femme sass, your fiesty smart commentary on just about everything, and your many, many gifts, not the least of which was your inspiring willingness to reexamine yourself in order to make positive, loving change, even when the time was very short. Because of you, Robin, I came away from yesterday’s service pondering and asking: am I being generous with myself and with my surroundings, human and otherwise? Am I living the most genuine life I am able?

Bumblebees, angel wings, darling femme relishers of being alive right here and now, what or who are you hard on?

What might you be able to do, with baby steps or giant leaps or just a gentle stroll, to put yourself in an even more loving and genuine and generous place?

Take a moment, take a moment. And while you’re at it, give a shout out to the femmes who’ve gone before. Deep gratitude!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Published in: on April 3, 2023 at 3:41 PM  Comments (2)  
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Pingy-Dingy Wednesday – Mindful Self-Compassion for Femmes and Beyond!

My darling femme friend, Maria Cimino, is offering an 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion class. She’ll be teaching with her colleague, Annie Allen, and the class runs in the evening from April 12 through May 30:

https://mscphilly.com/upcoming-events

“Everyone is talking about how hard it is to find a therapist and basically manage mental health issues,” Maria says. “Although this is not a therapy group, it is theraputic. Mindful Self-Compassion is a skill that could benefit anyone who is trying to decrease stress and learn skillful ways to relax and be kinder to themselves. This class helps to strengthen the ‘compassion muscle,’ if you will, so that we remember our self-compassion practice when we need it in daily life. No experience necessary!”

Bonus: the class will be offered at a reduced price through March 31; if you bring a friend, you get ½ off the regular price; therapists receive 34 CEUs for attending.

Thank you, Maria and Annie, for offering gentle, kind, heartfelt healing to us all. You get one pingy-dingy!

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every now and again of a Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter and inspiration to be had elsewhere online. If you have a favorite, let me know and I’ll post it! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com.

Published in: on March 29, 2023 at 10:09 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditation for Queer Femmes — Survivor of the Close and Play

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 Yesterday I visited my mom on the memory care unit where she is currently spending her 90s. One of the new aides, probably in her late 20s, was telling me all about how much she loves vinyl, what a rebel she is for adoring the Stones, the Beatles, all the good ol’ rock and roll, baby.  When I was her age, lo these many decades ago, I loved vinyl, too, so so much. One time I gathered together all my singles, from the one-off and strange comedy disks to the top-40 songs to the latest New Wave deliciousness, and made a mix tape for a friend. I thought long and hard about the very best order. I spent hours recording and refining, and then decorating the cover. It was a masterpiece! I called it Survivors of the Close and Play. I guess meeting the vinyl-loving aide is why I woke up thinking about that mixtape this morning. And about the word “survivor.” There’s a lot of pink-ribbon hoo-ha about being a cancer survivor. Technically, I survived breast cancer, but I’ve never felt an affinity for that whole yay-brave-survivor deal. Not exactly sure why, but one thing, I think, is because I’d just as soon move on. Also, I don’t want cancer – something incredibly scary and life-threatening, something I didn’t choose — to be my identity or affect how people treat me.  That long-ago mix tape, though. That was a heartfelt expression of who I was, where I was, what I was thinking about, what I cared about. A love letter to the music and spoken word that had accompanied me and shaped me up until that point.  Now you, my rare and wonderful Side A and especially Side B femme rockers and rollers and poets and shouters, what have you survived? What does survival mean to you, the positive spin, the swirl, the skip?  Today take stock, sit for a moment listening to your past and to your own femme theme song.   We are, we are! Alive and thriving. Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.       

Published in: on March 27, 2023 at 3:26 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Femme Friday – Femme in Need

A few days ago I received a text from a femme I’ve know for the past few years. She was letting me know the sad news that her son is very ill and that she’s started a gofundme to help cover his medical expenses. I share it here with you.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/tristan-andersen-leukemia-fundraiser

Blessings and prayers for restored health to Tristan and his family.

Every so often of a Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femmelife! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

Published in: on March 17, 2023 at 12:00 AM  Leave a Comment  

Pingy-Dingy Wednesday – Femme Bar

Imagine my delight to come across an article in Boston Spirit magazine about a new dyke establishment, the Femme Bar in Worcester, Mass. Inspired by the Lesbian Bar Project, owners Julie and Danielle Spring set about finding a way to open their own lesbian bar.

From the website:

Be Who You Needed When You Were Younger

Femme is located in Worcester’s Canal District, and we’re a proudly lesbian-owned and run bar and grill. We’re committed to offering a safe place for the female queer and LGBTQ community to come and relax in a welcoming lounge atmosphere while serving only the best food and drink in Worcester, Massachusetts. We’re one of only few lesbian bars in the United States, so we wanted to create a place where the LGBTQ community, especially queer women, can come and feel amazing! However, we welcome all members of our community, so come on down for a good meal and a few drinks! Femme offers a cozy lounge setting and serves the best cuisine and cocktails. Additionally, we have exciting plans! Visit our events page to learn more about our live music, open mic and game nights, book clubs, drag shows, painting nights, and more.

Tex and I hope to make a field trip to out West one day soon. See you there!

https://www.femmebarworcester.com/

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every now and again of a Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter and inspiration to be had elsewhere online. If you have a favorite, let me know and I’ll post it! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com.

Published in: on March 15, 2023 at 12:00 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Little Stick

                 

My almost 91-year old mother lives on the memory care floor in the “old folks home” she and my father moved to several years ago. At that time, he had Alzheimer’s; he has since passed away. Now my mom has vascular dementia. At her core, she is the same sweet person, but her giant brain works very differently. The dementia means she can’t remember details or even what happened a few moments ago. It’s also given her the ability to enjoy things she had no use for when she was a high-powered academic, like fancy Pride beads and glittery manicures. All this took a little getting used to, but I roll with it now. Every time I see her, I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me and that is the most important and enduring piece of information either of us needs.

            Down there on the 2nd floor, things are always interesting. I never know what a resident is going to say to me or what will be going on. The activities director has her own special ideas, too, about what folks might or might not want to do. The other day, everyone was watching a reality tv expose of Hooters. As I walked with my mom to her room, someone on screen was yelling, “Are you ready to get Hooterfied??”

            But what I wanted to tell you today is related to the first paragraph about meeting my mom where she is now and not fretting about what’s lost. Or even what you can exactly name. On one visit, as I was heading out after hugging my mom goodbye, one of the residents stopped me with a hand on my arm.

            “I have something stuck,” she said, gesturing to her teeth. “Do you have a… a… a little stick?”

            I can’t tell you how satisfying it was that I fucking did have a little stick! Right in my purse! I gave it to her. She was happy. I was happy. Me and my mom love each other.

            I left, smiling.

You and I have lost so many things, I know. Youth, friends, health, hope, habitat, community, brain power, possessions, home, oh, the list can be so long. And oh, can’t we get stuck in that persuasive list?

I know, too, how hard you work, my beloveds. I know you are always wondering if it’s enough to make up for all the loss.

            It is enough.

            You are enough.        

Today pay extra close attention to all the little ways in which you grace the world. The very smallest, so often overlooked details and generosities that you take for granted but that are actually the sweetest and most lovely.

             If we’re paying attention, right in the moment, what is more satisfying than being given the right tool for the right job?

            Right in the moment, what is more important than saying “I love you” to your beloved?

            Loss and all, we are here. Right in the moment, here we are.

            Here you are.

            Right where there is enough.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on March 13, 2023 at 3:29 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – The Joy of a Sloppy Mind

The sleuth in a 1994 mystery novel I just read is an early computer programmer. In one scene, a panicked client calls her after having lost an important document. The sleuth finds out the client has been forgetting to back up their data and proceeds to have a little fit.

            With a sigh that was closer to a growl – how could people have such sloppy minds? she thought savagely – she sat down at her desk and picked up the phone.

            I kept reading, but I wasn’t really paying attention anymore. Instead I was having a wee spot of PTSD made up of memories of excruciating afternoons sitting with my father as he tried to help me with my high school algebra as well as many, many moments in academia and at work where I completely failed to understand things linear, logical, and supposedly self-explanatory. “You’re smart!” my father would say. “Just think it through!”

            But my smart just didn’t work that way.

            Like the sleuth’s hapless clients, I have a sloppy mind. At least, when it comes to algebra and details like remembering specifics about computers.

            It’s taken me years, but I am much kinder to myself now than I used to be when it comes to things like being forgetful or losing track of details or getting really anxious about, say, balancing my checkbook. If I need extra time or a helping hand for those things, it’s balanced out by my ability to see the big picture, intuit what a student will really connect with, noticie interesting and subtle craft details in a book I’m reading, seeing gaps where a little community organizing will make all the difference. My strengths – my heart’s work – place me outside of the mainstream, but they are strengths nonetheless.

            My own dear queer femme sleuths, what are your strengths? Might it be that they are positives that you’ve been taught to discount or not to notice? I know you show up, clean up, free up, rise up, whip up, move up, lift up, zip up, grow up, and generally are on the up and up all day every day. Do you notice the work you’re doing that hasn’t been held up as “real work”? Do you allow those who do notice it to love you, praise you, thank you?

Today, my singular, dearest and darling hard working queer femme geniuses, celebrate your life-giving, soul-loving, queertastic, essential and influential WORK!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

         (Above quote from Something to Kill For by Susan Holtzer, St. Martin’s Press, 1994)

Published in: on February 6, 2023 at 3:55 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Cherry Blossom Snow

Driving home from my just-completed writing residency in Vermont, the trees, fields, and hills were were limned with snow. It was incredibly gorgeous and deeply peaceful. Because I was driving, I couldn’t whip out my phone and document it the way we do now; I just had to smile and sigh and enjoy. It took a bit of pressure off. It gave me permission to just drive.

            And driving, I could let the past ten days settle in. How being in person at residency allowed creativity to manifest so differently than when we were on line. How it afforded connections, leaps of thought, shared moments of delight, and, for me, the most basic of human joys: being able to hug each other. For we students and alumnx of Vermont College of Fine Arts in Montpelier, this was the last residency to be held on campus before a move to otherwhere. I tried so hard not to let upset at this sudden and poorly handled move take me out of my delight at being there. In the old dorm room with the wonky blind and the cinderblock walls. In workshop where finally – finally! – we were together in person and on fire with writing epiphanies and passion. Poking carefully at yet another interesting iteration of tempe in the cafeteria. Sitting on the couch in the library with Bowie, the orange library kitty who greets you at the door. And hugging, so much hugging!

             Mono no aware, that balance on the razor edge of grief and ecstasy when something is so incredibly beautiful but also so incredibly transient. It comes at cherry blossom time, where the petals already are beginning to fall right when you’re transported by their incandescence. Each moment of residency held this kind of poignancy, and sometimes I clicked into it and sometimes I didn’t. Driving home with the snow already beginning to melt but still so marvelous, so gorgeous, I let it all sink in.

            My living, loving, moving, changing blossoms of femme marvel! You may not be in the midst of the kind of excitement that I just experienced – these major events don’t come about every day. But I know that today there is something. There is something every day, even every hour. The silk of your dogs’ ears. The laughter of passing strangers outside your window. The sunrise, the moonrise. Showing a child how to work a gumball machine for the first time. A loving text from a loving friend at just the right moment. The way the sunlight highlights a beloved knick knack on your shelf. The first sip of coffee. Fleeting. Exquisite. Life giving.

Today, oh, my dears, let it sink in!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on January 23, 2023 at 9:09 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Healing

Femme Love Heal World. You’ve heard me say it many a time, and each of you, my sweetest of plums, spread healing every day with your femme magic. It’s in how you notice small details. How you respond to unspoken hurts and needs. It’s in your smile and in the way you move. In how you make love. In how you receive love. Your art, your work, your genius, the air about you. Your laugh.

            Heal world and heal self.

            Today, lovebugs, sit for a moment within your busy life and ponder: is there room in the every day to receive femme healing? You give so much, so much of the time. What about you in all of that? Are you needing some queer femme tlc? If so, take a look at the work these two beautiful and generous femmes are doing and see if you might like to allow them to shower you in femme love and healing.

Maria Cimino, LICSW, is co-leading a short course in Mindful Self-Compassion, online, six weeks starting Jan. 11. There is no meditation experience needed, and for mental health professionals, 6 CEs are available for the course. “Cultivate inner strength, kindness, and resilience.” $250. For more information or to register, visit www.mcphilly.com.

Constance Clare-Newman is offering Resilience Practices for Climate Anxiety five weeks, also starting Jan. 11, also online. She will be teaching skills in self-regulation and resilience to promote the ability to reconnect, heal from burnout, breathe, be in community, and practice rest, joy, and pleasure as an antidote to pain, sorrows, and suffering. For more information or to RSVP, email constance@constanceclare.com. And please visit Embody Wholeness, where you can learn about Constance’s work with the Alexander Technique: www.constanceclare.com.

Be well, be loving to yourselves, take in the sweetness and joy around you, beloveds. And let’s say it together, shall we?

Femme Love Heal World.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on January 9, 2023 at 9:14 AM  Leave a Comment  
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