The Total Femme

I remember my university professor father railing about some popular language tic of the 80s, can’t quite remember what it was. Maybe the comment, “Really?” – for some reason that comes to mind. As in,

A:        “I can’t remember where we parked the car.”

B:        “Really?”

My father, may he rest in power and philosophy, would mimic the tone with great disdain, “Really? Really? Can’t they say anything more specific?”

Who knows if it was really “really” he was annoyed with; I really can’t remember. The bottom line was that he was annoyed with some bit of now-speak that, to his way of thinking, undermined people’s ability to exchange ideas clearly and with integrity to each other, took us away from to further communication and understanding.

Does that make sense?

Ok, that’s the one I’m currently thinking about. Why does it annoy me so much? Because there I am, listening to what the person’s saying about whatever it is we’re talking about, thinking about it, letting it settle in, anticipating an exchange of ideas about this particular topic, when, boom: Does that make sense?

Shit, I don’t know! Does it? You just said it! Am I supposed to pass judgement on it and reassure you that you haven’t suddenly started spouting nonsense? I mean, weren’t we talking about something of interest to us both, on more or less the same level, and now you’ve completely changed the subject to yourself and we’re talking about your ability to make sense?

Somewhere, my father is sitting around with every cat and dog he ever owned, laughing his ass off at me.

            Really.

            Bluebells, bumblebees, bonny bouncing queer femme sisters o’ mine, there is so much change so quickly. Perhaps like me, you are of an age and humor that the current pop culture references and language fly past you with no glimmer of recognition, perhaps you are all over the latest everything, but wherever you are in the current zeitgeist, isn’t it still worthwhile to set your worries about how you lookactsoundmakesenseofthingsthinkmove aside, give yourself a break and just try to connect with especially other queers so that we see each other and have sympathy for each other’s complications and joys? I’m not saying don’t talk however the fuck you want, because please: talk however the fuck you want! But as someone who thinks about language, I think about how we’re so deeply enmeshed in just being ME, in the individual, which might be reflected in our language and might steer us in ways that don’t serve family, Family, community, good sweet life for us all.

            Today, siblings sisters dear ones all, hearts open, spirits free.

            Whatever, whoever, you inherently do, you are, we are all together now all together.

            Yes, that makes sense.  

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com

Nothing cooler than What If? in the nitty gritty back ally next to the train tracks warehouse urban wasteland that’s actually full of life and love and art! This Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, check out what is sure to be a rompous devious delightful queerbo production of “The Importance of Being Earnest” for maximum jolliness and beautiful rainbow rambuctiousness!

What If? and “Earnest,” you get one pingy-dingy! Thank you for holding queer artistic space in the most generous, creative, and magical fashion!

https://www.whatifbos.com/

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/what-if-queer-creator-collaborative-81467094523

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter, love, and inspiration to be had elsewhere online.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life and pandemic prevent posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

We’ve been looking at a lot of campers lately and also a lot of videos from camper experts like Josh the RV Nerd out in Michigan. Not only does Josh have a beautiful Michigan accent, he’s quite a cut up and can really make us laugh with his wacky ol’ self. For example, he calls the insufficient fans many RV makers install in their rigs’ bathrooms “four-inch fart fans.” You know, they just don’t stir up enough breeze to make much of a difference.

Not only is “four-inch fart fan” an excellent alternative to “poop head” as an insult, it got me thinking about the importance of ventilation in all aspects of life. Sometimes, the air can get very close and stale, my utter and sparkle devoted queer femme sisters. As much as we do, as much as we try, as much as we carry the fuck on, we struggle for breath and our lungs begin to ache. Whether it’s our health, our responsibilites, our work, our family, our location, our worry for small and large, even sometimes our art, our delight, our clutch at joy – the atmosphere can thicken and swirl in on us. It happens when we’re doing what we do best when we’re busy, when we’re doing everything we can, when we’re managing engaging improvising making it work by the skin of our teeth and then and then.

Today my beauties, my breathing, living, gasping marvels, can you identify where you need to let in some air? Where the ventilation has failed and needs a much, maybe a much MUCH, bigger fan? Turn that shit on! Let it breeze and breathe and whirl the magic and energy and unpredictable wonder back into your hearts and spirits.

Turn your beautiful glad faces towards that healing wind, my seeking my finding my so brave so bold beautiful queer crafters supporters guiding wonders. Give yourself what you need to suck in the bountiful air and feel it lift you, fill you, find you.

Ahhhhhh!

(And please be reassured that the rig we’ve finally decided to buy has big, strong fans* in the bathroom and the kitchen, so we will have plenty of ventilation.)

*if you want to know what Josh calls those, you’ll have to go watch his videos….

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com

https://clarityhaynes.com/artwork/4862899-Altar%20for%20Femme%20Joy.html

This gorgeous altar which I’m not sure I was able to paste in but just go to the link, ok? was April in this year’s calendar from Sinister Wisdom, and here’s who made it:

“Clarity Haynes lives with her partner Kate Hawes and their two dogs, Phoebe and Marley, in upstate New York,” goes her bio. “Her painting practice centers on the body, queer feminist resistance, and the archive.” (Not sure if she herself identifies as femme – if you know, let me know! — but that altar is femme for days!)

For more, please see her website:

https://clarityhaynes.com/home.html

Deep gratitude to Clarity for her celebration of Femme Joy (which, along with Femme Love heals the world, as you very well know).

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you or someone you love! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

With the motto “Engage. Explore. Empower,” this organization is dedicated to women RV’rs and sponsors rallies and events throughout the nation. Wherever you live, there is for sure a chapter near you, and it may very well be exactly what you were looking for. Take me. There was a time when I didn’t even know what a fifth wheel was, and now Tex and I are in the market for one! Whattyaknow!

RVing Women, you get one pingy-dingy! Thank you for making a warm and jolly space for women to dip a toe in to the RV world, or go whole hog.

https://www.rvingwomen.org/

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter, love, and inspiration to be had elsewhere online.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life and pandemic prevent posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

I have a friend, a lesbian – let’s call her Roadie – who loves doing stuff for people and causes but hates being in the spotlight. All her hard work, be it cooking, cleaning, or fixing things, is done without fanfare or call for recognition. A couple of theater queen friends of hers gave her a nickname. They call her Back of the House.

            Recently, I found a mention of my town in a local queer magazine. The mention was part of an article on upcoming Pride events, and of the queer organizations listed for my town, I think four or five, I’d either founded or had a hand in founding the majority. It was an interesting feeling, seeing them listed in the publication, all official and shit, knowing I’d helped open that space and make it sustainable so that it’s now part of the fabric of the town, supporting and uplifting local queers.

            And certainly the current 6^th graders going to the middle school Queer/Straight Alliance have absolutely no clue who I am or that I helped kids their age start one of the region’s first public middle school GSAs way back when (the kids quickly changed it to a QSA). That’s ok – why should they, really? I do think it would good to have some kind of history in the town records at some point, and have that in mind to compile one of these days, not because I want credit necessarily but to record this very productive instance of queer organizing in the suburbs.

            But I’m not so back of the house that I wouldn’t be happy with a smidge of recognition here and again. Ha! as my dear old aunt used to say (waaaay before emojis).

            There is queer femme energy everywhere, my tiddly winks, my ever-so-scrumptious femme beloveds. Wherever you show up for the show – back, front, on stage, in the audience, taking a stroll in the park cuz it’s too nice a day to spend in the theater – queer femme energy sparkles and spins and sprinkles its magic.

            Today, remember and remind yourself of how you bring queer healing and delight to the world with all your myriad amazing sparkle.

            I see you.

            I celebrate you.

            I standing O your outstanding performances wheresoever they take place.

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com

My wonderful and talented femme Sis is about to wow and gift us with her open studios this weekend – please stop by if you’re in the area! (See below for more information.)

Liz Nania is a beautiful artist and a fierce, hard-working, compassionate queer femme icon! She does so much for our community and for the art world, including creating and designing the colors for bisexual pride (pink, lavender, and blue) way back in 1989, for which she is honored with a plaque at the Stonewall Inn. She has also taught dance for decades to queers and allies.

Deep gratitude to Liz for her stick-to-itness, her generosity, her big heart and big big talent as an artist and teacher. So much queer femme respect and love to ya, Sis!!

(the below is Liz’s recent email telling her news)

“Art News: I’ll be sharing my art at Needham Open Studios, Sat. May 4, 11-4 pm, and Sun. May 5, 11-3 pm. I’ll be at my studio, Studio 201 at Gorse Mill Studios, 31 Thorpe Rd. in Needham. Here’s the link: Needham Open Studios – Home  and here’s my website: www.liznania.com

I’d love to see you there! (I’m also back on Instagram in a very limited way; just look up Liz Nania.)

I’ll be showing small, medium and large paintings, (encaustic and acrylic/mixed media on birch boards and canvas,) some new monoprints and paintings on paper, (and I’ll also have some very small things like mini art and a few painted bangle bracelets.) I may possibly include some of my artists’ books. Plus, Gorse Mill Studios features other artists and makers and a group show in the gallery, or you can drive around and explore all the other artists sharing their work in Needham. There are also some good restaurants and ice cream in the area, especially on Great Plain Ave.  (Plus 2 consignment boutiques, and my fave is The Closet Exchange.)   🙂

I’m excited to invite you back into my studio to say hi, talk about art and life, and have some fun with it! (Don’t be shy, there’s never any pressure to buy, in my studio or anyone else’s.) 

A great honor: I saw a plaque with my name on it in the historic Stonewall Inn in New York City last October. It credited me as the creator/designer of the bisexual pride colors (pink, lavender, blue) in 1989. I was blown away! What a thrill!

Art Show: I have a monoprint in a juried show featuring artists who have Dorchester connections (I grew up there); it’s called “Changes”, and it’s at the Local Hand Gallery near Ashmont Station in Dorchester. They’re super friendly people, and they sell lots of cool small paper stuff, gifts, home goods, and the like. Check it out if you’re in the area. There’s also a great cafe next door. 

Vintage coolness: Also, my Talking Plates (I occasionally write in calligraphy on vintage china) are at my favorite shop, Birch St. House and Garden in Roslindale, owned by the lovely Elizabeth Swanson. Her shop is always worth a visit!”

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you or someone you love! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Way back in the zine day, Mark co-edited and co-published the zine Frighten the Horses, much enjoyed by yours truly. These days, he’s doing really interesting and thoughtful film reviews, which, also for yours truly, is excellent, because I don’t get out much. It’s on substack. You probably know what that is.

Mark and Too Beautiful, you get one pingy-dingy! Thank you for watching all those movies and talking about them with us like we’re sitting together in an all-night café and really getting into it.

https://toobeautiful.substack.com

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter, love, and inspiration to be had elsewhere online.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life and pandemic prevent posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Our adorable rescue doggie has a fabulous name and is a fabulous fellow. He’s a chihuahua mix and he came with all his vet records (unusual!) and the amazing name of Mannix Miller.

He loves Tex. He loves Tex sosososososo much.

Ol’ whats-er-name (moi) is ok in a pinch.

He really loves Tex.

When Tex abandons him (like by going out in the front yard to do a little weeding and not needing to supervise a canine) it is very painful to Manny. There’s a period where he motors around the house fussing. There’s a period where he’s all wah wah baby.  

Recently, I received a rejection from the Lambda Literary Emerging Writers Retreat. It’s the second time I’ve applied and this time around, I pretty much ripped my heart out and presented it to them. I mean, I was more honest and more open than I think I’ve ever been in an application. I told them why I need them, but I also told them why they might need me. Things like fostering intergenerational queer family and combatting ageism in the queer community (I’m 62 and often feel like I’m completely out of the running, over with, done for). I talked to them like they were my people, like they were on my side, like they might care.

The form rejection really hurt. I mean, I’ve been a writer my entire life and I’m used to rejections, but this one felt so personal, like their political nixed my personal like they think I’m an old white dyke with boring shit to say and probably a terf – in other words, I just went to the worst possible scenario. The nightmare one. The one I sososososo hope isn’t true but it worries me. Because my people! Who are my people if not the other queers who write? Why don’t they want me?

I am wah wah baby.

I am wicked wah wah baby.

There are disappointments that gut you. That get you right where you live. That you just have to wait until you’re breathing again and then allow things to settle back around you. To come back into color. To remind you that it really isn’t the worst the only the last the final the most fucked.

There’s nothing you can really do when you’re wah wah baby like that. I admit to unsubscribing to Lambda’s emails (they kept asking for money, it was annoying me), but I don’t want to get all bitter and messed up in the head and heart. Even though it’s a seriously low blow, I know perfectly well that I’m going to keep writing and connecting with other queer writers and eventually I hope my work will get out there. And of course, I wish every joy to the writers there. I just so would have liked to be among them.

Nothing really helps in these situations, my pumpkin pies, my darling glitter and lamé potatoes, my strawberries, my mangos, but we lean on our sweethearts and our friends and maybe we have a little fit where we have to stomp around the block or abscond somewhere for a little bit because we are not good company, but we come around and we come back and we don’t let the turkeys get us down, or at least not for long. Certainly not forever.

We call on our diabolical, our whimsical, our unbeatable.

We wah wah and we carry on.

Carry on with me, today, you fruity fruity beauties! Because I am not the only femme who has weathered soul disappointment. No, but we weather together.

In queer femme sisterhood, we weather.  

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com

Boston’s queer film fest, Wicked Queer, has throwback showings of films from previous decades – fun! Along those lines, Tex and I recently had our own little throwback viewing of the 2011 webseries “Unicorn Plan-It.”

We laughed our asses off at it back in the day, but would it stand the test of time? Yes! In spite of some extremely questionable one liners here and there, we still loved the goofy sweet lesbonic-ness of the Unicorn Plan-It world.

Harmony is a yoga gal, in love with her big dumb girlfriend, J, and just getting ready to launch her really tubular business, the Mobile Om. Things start to get a little dicey, though, and even a serene goddess like H might start to lose her shit a little.

And people, nobody says, “Love and light!” bitchier than Harmony.

Deep gratitude to the Unicorn Plan-It crew for the spot on femmetastic character of Harmony. May she live forever in lesbo media history!

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you or someone you love! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.