Meditations for Queer Femmes – Four O’Clock in the Morning

Or maybe it’s 3am for you. Or just suddenly in the middle of doing something else. When it all comes down on you, I mean. For me, it’s regrets, worry, comparing myself to someone else, waaaaay too much imagination about what someone I love might or might not be doing, bad choices they might or might not be making. What helps? I always think I have to do something to get myself out of the misery, have some reaction. Al-Anon says there’s a difference between reacting and responding. Reacting might get you deeper in; responding in a healthy way might carry you forward until you feel better. Buddhism says don’t just do something, sit there. And I’ve been listening to a Pema Chodron talk about how there’s a difference between triggers and propensities: a situation might trigger 10 different people but they’ll react in 10 different ways, since those are the kinds of things they struggle with. Like for me, regret, for example. The ol’ shouldacouldawoulda. Some days it’s just baby steps, all the way through, starting from 4am.

This windy, sunny day filled with brightness and birdsong, one small sweet thing is that I washed all my cloth masks in a really nice-smelling soap, and right now I’m about to put one of those puppies on my sad face and go out and walk. I expect I’ll feel better afterwards, but I can’t be sure. I’m going to go walk anyway.

May you, dear ones, also find something small and sweet today.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through graduate school and life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on March 29, 2021 at 4:04 PM  Comments (2)  
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