Meditations for Queer Femmes — Ghosts and Love

We’ve all of us queer femmes lost people. It’s just part of being human. And it’s human to miss those people from time to time, even the ones with whom we had extremely conflicted relationships. We’ve lost people through death, physical or emotional distance, no good reason it just happened, and then for we queers, coming out can shift friendships and family connections subtly, dramatically, dangerously.

Sometimes I think about my college roommate, with whom I came of age in so many ways. Sometimes I think about my mother’s mother from whom I learned so much and who I loved so deeply; I wish I had been brave enough to come out to her before she died. Sometimes I think about my aunt, my cousins, various childhood friends, even people with whom I had only short but very intense relationships, sexual and otherwise. Faces, intimacies, and shared moments can pop up, surprising, saddening, stirring up all kinds of emotions. Powerful ghosts.

On a walk recently, I began to explore the possibility of being able to connect with my elder son despite the fact that he’s currently choosing not to communicate with me. Talk about a powerful ghost. I wake up in the night with regrets about his childhood, memories that torture me about his high school years when he began drinking and drugging and how little I understood what was going on with him, how worried I was and how clueless. Could I have done other, better, more? The answer is no, of course not, I could only work with the information I had, and during the day, when I can get to an Al-Anon meeting or just think things through, I know this. During the night, I am very often at the mercy of demons.

The same day I started trying to figure out how to talk to my son even though he won’t talk to me, a femme friend reminded me of the practice of metta, or loving kindness. It’s pretty simple. Love on yourself. Love on specific people. Love on everyone. And because it’s a chant, a prayer, an offering, you can memorize it and say it in the middle of the night when you’re tortured and also when you have a few moments or as part of a regular practice. I don’t think there’s one way you have to say it; my friend says go ahead and make up your own version, using the most soothing and comforting words that make sense for you.

One version is:

May I be filled with lovingkindness

May I be held in loving kindness…

May I feel connected and calm…

May I accept myself just as I am…

May I be happy…

May I know the natural joy of being alive…

You start with yourself, then move on to a specific person. Or you can just go straight to the specific person:

May you be filled with lovingkindness

May you be held in loving kindness…

May you feel connected and calm…

May you accept yourself just as you are…

May you be happy

May you know the natural joy of being alive…

Sometimes I just say, short and sweet:

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be free from harm.

We can’t always stay connected in the way we want with those we love. I miss my sweet boy and worry about him, and I am holding onto the hope that one day he will be ready to reconnect. In the meantime, I can send him love, and in so doing, remember to release myself into love as well.

Dear femme sisters, remember today to turn your transcendent femme love on yourselves and on some of those difficult ghosts from your beautiful, complex lives. Turn it up, turn it on, turn it around. Your queer femme love is a healing force and you are filled with power.

Take that, demons!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)


Meditations for Queer Femmes – FEMME LOVE HEAL WORLD

In honor of the Scandinavian side of my family and to accommodate a custody schedule, here at the Total Femme’s house, we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. This Dec. 24, for the first time in a few years, everyone was front and center, in good health, and capable of enjoying each other’s company. Glorious!

Inspired by my friend Miel’s way with ritual and intent, I rode the good vibes and came up with a family ceremony that I know we’ll do again next year. It was short and sweet and a little last minute, but the power of love was with us, and even my cynical old grump of a father joined in with only one small grumble.

For the ritual, I spoke briefly about the Winter Solstice, and read the poem “Thank You, Fog” by W.H. Auden. Then we went around the circle and each offered up a wish for the world.

We wished that there be more quiet, that communities devastated by drug cartels in Mexico be healed, that the earth be healed by understanding how we’re all connected, by getting rid of pollution, by getting rid of the Trump administration and by rejecting the western notion of progress.

We each said how we would manifest the energy to address those issues in 2018. We promised to do more educating of ourselves and others, to be good role models, to unplug and slow down, to be aware and to help where we can.

We each chose a charity for an end-of-the-year donation and spoke briefly of the work of the organizations and why it’s important to us: Youth on Fire, The Center for Coastal Studies, Animals Asia, Arlington Eats, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network and Wôpanâak Language Reclamation Project.

The ritual was calming and bonding. It was so lovely!

Below, I offer a femme version of this ritual to you, sweet femme sisters, as we ride out the last bits of 2017 and get gussied up to meet the new year.

We need each other, we must connect and share our wisdom.

I love you.


FEMME LOVE HEAL WORLD – a femme ritual to be done at the New Year, or any time it’s needed

This can be done by a femme alone, or in a group of femmes, and you can tailor things to meet your own needs.

You can open with a poem, preferably by a queer poet. There are so many to chose from! “To Martha: A New Year” by Audre Lorde is a beautiful one…

On a piece of paper, write down the answer to the question: What is your wish for the world?

If you’re in a group, fold up the paper and put it in a bowl/hat/basket; each femme picks one (switch it up if you pick your own). If you’re alone, just speak your answer out loud, maybe looking into the mirror or up into the sky.

Go around the circle and ask each femme to read the question and respond to it by saying, “I will manifest femme energy to address this issue by _______________________.”

Everyone responds, “So mote it be.”

After all the femmes have spoken, you can burn the paper to release that energy into the world.

You can keep a record of your answers in order to revisit them the next time you do the ritual, or as a reminder to yourself when you’re feeling scattered. You can chose a charity for a donation, and educate the group of femmes about the work of the charity you chose.


Post here to share your wishes, how you’re manifesting femme energy, and your favorite charities! Share the femme love!!! I can’t wait to hear from you!

Every Monday (or Tuesday), I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.


Meditations for Queer Femmes — Stream of Consciousness on the Services of the Pervert, Continued

Until childhood is freed from repressive contracts of innocence and ignorance and until the family as an institution is neither romanticized nor sentimentalized, society will seek, require, and even demand the services of the pervert. –Eric Rofes, Status Quo or Status Queer? A Radical Rethinking of Sexuality and Schooling, 2005

Queer femmes are magicians, mistresses of subterfuge, and supremely in your face. Queer femmes are perverts. We are perverts who no longer waste our time and energy being in service to and trying to change the homodestructive status quo. We are perverts, loudly, proudly. Because what is a pervert other than someone who bends, twists, evades, and decimates the rules? Rules made by straight white cis men in their fury and ignorance and lonely paucity of spirit.

We queer femme perverts no longer try to fit in: we flame and glitter for no one but ourselves and those we love. Our love is perverted and huge. Our perverted love defies boundaries.

Queer femmes are true to our perverted gifts. We use them to call our own to us, to bolster perverts everywhere. We use our perverted femme magic to find our own perverted femme path and we tread stompingly in wedges, running shoes, pumps, jellies, orthotics, Doc Martins on the pervert path to glory, submission, domination, sexual satisfaction and everywhere coming up rainbows.

We queer femme perverts dig deep into our perversion, coming up with rich, life-giving thoughts, actions, memories, access. Our perversion, the brilliance of our perversion that interrupts programming as usual, that intersects with the fight and glory of perverts of other stripes and journeys, and that makes us magicians and connects us to the holy.




There is no limit to our queer femme pervert power.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.