The Total Femme

Yesterday Tex and I attended the memorial service for Robin Maltz, who died last month after a long and difficult illness. Her butch lover, Rob, attended her devotedly to the end and she died in Rob’s arms. Rob’s elegy was deeply moving and I hope to be able to share part of it as well as Robin’s obituary in a future post.

I didn’t know Robin very well, but she was one of the very first queer femmes I met after coming out as femme. Like many of the folks who spoke at her memorial service, my first impression of Robin was anything but warm and fuzzy. This despite my hunger for queer femme friends and for butch/femme community.

However, according to Rob, about ten years ago, a friend asked Robin why she was so hard on people – and believe me, she really was. Robin took that to heart, effecting changes in her caustic interface with the world so successfully that, in the end, there was nothing but a joy for life and a sincere, loving generosity towards herself and others.

The people who spoke at her memorial, the ones who spent time with her at the end of her life, had nothing but admiration and love for Robin. When I think back to my first impressions of her – impressions that made it quite clear that I wouldn’t be pursuing a friendship with her – I am humbled to realize that had I reached out in these past few years, Robin and I might have had much to share and give each other.

Rest in power, peace, and pussy, Robin! We didn’t get there in life, but I will keep your memory alive, as Rob asked us to. I will remember your femme sass, your fiesty smart commentary on just about everything, and your many, many gifts, not the least of which was your inspiring willingness to reexamine yourself in order to make positive, loving change, even when the time was very short. Because of you, Robin, I came away from yesterday’s service pondering and asking: am I being generous with myself and with my surroundings, human and otherwise? Am I living the most genuine life I am able?

Bumblebees, angel wings, darling femme relishers of being alive right here and now, what or who are you hard on?

What might you be able to do, with baby steps or giant leaps or just a gentle stroll, to put yourself in an even more loving and genuine and generous place?

Take a moment, take a moment. And while you’re at it, give a shout out to the femmes who’ve gone before. Deep gratitude!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.