Just last week I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking, “Where is it? Where is it?” That would be my journal, which I just could not find. Yes, that journal, the one in which I write down super private super just mine thoughts as I face all the joys and challenges of my daily queer femme life. The one that rides in my purse or my bag in case I have a moment where I can write, in case something occurs to me that just has to be chronicled. The one I so do not Harriet the Spy want anyone else reading! Ever! Boy, was the loss of this journal stressing me out. I could feel it, smell it, see it – in my memory, that is. I just couldn’t find it.
“Why do I write things down and carry them around?” I grumped at myself. I decided I would never take my journal out of the house again. It’s too much of a risk.
Oh, and then one beautiful day, there it was! Tucked away in a bag, tucked away in a corner where I had tucked it away and forgotten about the tucking. I snatched it up and held it to my bosom. I could feel it, smell it, see it! Write in it! I was so fucking relieved!
And the next thing you know, there it was, riding around with me in my purse, in my bag.
The thing is, despite how incredibly vulnerable and upset I felt when I thought I had lost it out in the public, I just need to have it with me. It’s just the kind of wordy nerdy feel it and document it femme that I am. It’s an important part of my art, it’s a way of navigating the world, it’s just how I do and how I want to do. Have to do. And in so doing – in being exactly who I am – yes, I am putting myself at risk.
We must, musn’t we, my queer femme family? We risk, we make ourselves vulnerable, we weather the stress and the worry and the challenges of being exactly who we are. We question the idea of “safe space” as much as we long for it, but we don’t give up.
Darlings, what do you carry with you that is essential to you?
What do you sometimes lose but always find again?
Today, glory in all that makes you truly and femmetastically yourselves.
Can you feel it, smell it, see it?
Oh, glory!
Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.
Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.
The Total Femme 