Meditations for Queer Femmes – Ringer

Last night I was an audience member at a reading of pieces from Eileen Myles’s anthology Pathetic Literature, just out. There had been a nor’easter over the weekend and the Provincetown sunset that evening was unbearably beautiful. Inside, Womencrafts was cozy, and it felt good to be out with people. I’m still getting used to being out with people. Like in a room. Like all together. Like should I take off my mask? No, maybe I’ll leave it on for now…

Anyway, after a reading of a play by Valerie Solanas and a few other pieces from the book, Eileen asked for three volunteers to read three poems. My arm was up like a shot! I chose “the sexy, sassy one:” “TOTAL LOL” by Sophie Robinson.

I took off my mask. Took a breath. Eileen hovered a bit – they don’t know me, they wanted to make sure I had a handle on things. Sweet femme sisters, I tell you, I certainly did have a handle.

Maybe I’m all dinged up from everything that’s happened in the past few years, in my life, in the world. Maybe I’m older than I once was, maybe I’m not dressed up all super hip, not up on the latest pop culture, queer or otherwise. Maybe I’m not any kind of famous for any kind of anything. But I was wearing lipstick and I can sure as fuck read a sexy poem.

Apples of my eye, queer femme sisters of my heart, today revel in your hidden talents, your surprising skills, your astounding abilities that might not be readily apparent. Sneak up, jump up, change the energy in the room and then just smile, a twinkle in your eye, “Yeah, I got this.”

Your femme magic sustains you – oh, it feels good to let ‘er rip, doesn’t it? — and sustains us all.

Shine, shine, shine!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on December 19, 2022 at 9:36 AM  Comments (2)  
Tags: , , , ,

Meditations for Queer Femmes – So Existential!

From Wednesday to Friday last week, I was in the not-so-comfortable liminal space of waiting for the results of a breast cancer screening. It wasn’t exactly that my life flashed before my eyes, but I was certainly extremely anxious that I’d get a new diagnosis and that was taking up a lot of room in my brain. So I was definitely thinking about my life, and as I did so, a thought floated up that stopped me short: I am just as hard on myself as I was when I was 30, and almost exactly in the same ways.

            I’ll be 61 next month, and it seems like maybe perhaps doncha think I could set down some of those deeply critical ideas and expectations of myself. Also, the floaty thought continued, if I really examine my life, I’ve lived day to day taking existential crisis to be my norm. Sure, there are moments of satisfcation, acceptance, even of dull routine, but mostly, I’m making myself fret by casting about constantly for the meaning of it all.

            Huh. What does it mean to live like that? Undue stress. Constant craving (much less sexy as a lifestyle than as a k.d. lang classic). Haven’t I changed at all? Learned anything at all? Of course. Of course I have. But it can be hard to pull out of those old habits, especially when I’m scared.

When I think back on my 30-year old self, with all her aspirations and insecurities and how she was teetering on the verge of finally understanding that she is queer, I wonder. How can I best love her? What can I learn from her? How can I honor her bravery, her snarky sense of humor, her steadfastness and loyalty to her family, friends, ideals, her deepening commitment to social justice? Really, looking back, she was doing just fine. And I’d like to connect to those things, recognize them in my life now, rather than falling into some kind of false negative thinking, spurred by anxiety, that nothing has changed, nothing has been accomplished.

The results came in and I got the all clear. Along with enjoying my relief, I want to keep exploring those floaty existential thoughts that came up in that perhaps-generative liminal space.

Explore with me today: How are you the same? How are you different? Can you double down and focus on wisdom and love gained rather than opportunity lost?

Dollies, daffodils, dahlias, and liquid-eyed does, what fierce golden light still burns in your heart, there since always and forever?

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on December 12, 2022 at 2:28 PM  Comments (2)  
Tags: , ,

Meditations for Queer Femmes – Why Do I Write Things Down and Carry Them Around?

Just last week I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking, “Where is it? Where is it?” That would be my journal, which I just could not find. Yes, that journal, the one in which I write down super private super just mine thoughts as I face all the joys and challenges of my daily queer femme life. The one that rides in my purse or my bag in case I have a moment where I can write, in case something occurs to me that just has to be chronicled. The one I so do not Harriet the Spy want anyone else reading! Ever! Boy, was the loss of this journal stressing me out. I could feel it, smell it, see it – in my memory, that is. I just couldn’t find it.

            “Why do I write things down and carry them around?” I grumped at myself. I decided I would never take my journal out of the house again. It’s too much of a risk.

            Oh, and then one beautiful day, there it was! Tucked away in a bag, tucked away in a corner where I had tucked it away and forgotten about the tucking. I snatched it up and held it to my bosom. I could feel it, smell it, see it! Write in it! I was so fucking relieved!

And the next thing you know, there it was, riding around with me in my purse, in my bag.

The thing is, despite how incredibly vulnerable and upset I felt when I thought I had lost it out in the public, I just need to have it with me. It’s just the kind of wordy nerdy feel it and document it femme that I am. It’s an important part of my art, it’s a way of navigating the world, it’s just how I do and how I want to do. Have to do. And in so doing – in being exactly who I am – yes, I am putting myself at risk.

We must, musn’t we, my queer femme family? We risk, we make ourselves vulnerable, we weather the stress and the worry and the challenges of being exactly who we are. We question the idea of “safe space” as much as we long for it, but we don’t give up.

Darlings, what do you carry with you that is essential to you?

What do you sometimes lose but always find again?

Today, glory in all that makes you truly and femmetastically yourselves.

Can you feel it, smell it, see it?

Oh, glory!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Since 2016, I here at The Total Femme have done my best to post thrice a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy Dingy on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on you know when. I’m pulling back the reins now, darlings, and going down to once a week, this Meditation. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you. Send me your poetry, your musings, your art, your wonderful you, and I will love you and hold you and feature you right here. So let me hear from you! thetotalfemme@gmail.com. And stop by on Mondays for a bit of sacred femme space.

Published in: on December 5, 2022 at 4:33 PM  Leave a Comment  
Tags: ,