Meditations for Queer Femmes – Enough? Enough! Enough.

        I have the hardest time understanding the concept of “enough.” Writers are notorious for never feeling like a project is done, and I certainly fit the bill, always tinkering, always revising, always finding one more thing to do. But it doesn’t stop there. For whatever reason, my busy mind takes that feeling of never enough into just about every other aspect of my life as well. This obnoxious habit causes nothing but trouble.

            I took a walk today. But was it long enough? Did I stretch out enough afterwards? Did I get enough cardio? Never mind that I moved my body, saw red bellied woodpeckers and bunnies, a fading moon and beautiful clouds. Never mind that I was breathing and thinking and beginning my day outside and alive. I can’t tell if it’s enough, and that nags at me.

            In the past, I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why I am the way I am. All the usual suspects and huge influencers play a part: brain makeup, family, when and where I was born, illnesses, traumatic events, US culture, capitalism, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, racism. I’ve lingered in the negative and the ensuing anger and hopelessness for longer than I like to think about, and the pull is always there. But lately, I’m less interested in the why, and more interested in how to enjoy myself more, feel more alive.  

            When my father turned sixty, I asked him if the fact of his mortality was making more sense to him as he got older. He laughed and said, “It’s just getting weirder!” Now that I’m sixty myself and the third anniversary of his death approaches, I agree: mortality is definitely weird! But for me, the weirdness and inevitability of death begins to free me up. I’m starting to feel that I have the time and the energy and the wherewithal to regroup about that troubling concept of enough.

            In the never ending stream of data we get to choose where to stop. Perhaps, this fleeting moment, it might be enough to remember and state, as the robot does in Becky Chambers’s Psalm for the Wild Built, that no matter how much you did or didn’t do today, yesterday, in your life, it’s all enough, “[b]ecause I know that no matter what, I’m wonderful.” We are not products nor do we always have to be producing.

            Imagine for a moment you have no purpose. It’s what can happen looking at flowers sway in the breeze. It can happen at that first sip of a soothing cup of tea. When you watch a baby dream. When you’re dancing, swimming, savoring, making love, hugging, laughing.

Today, my most amazing miracles, call on those blessings. Allow yourself those lifts and sweet surprises.

Breathe.

Release.

Rest.

            Say with me, sway with me:

            I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.

            I am through and through purely wonderful.

            Just as I am.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on September 12, 2022 at 3:53 PM  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Beautiful my friend, so what I needed today!

  2. I’m so glad! Love from my femme heart to yours! xottf


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