The Total Femme

My father always told me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Algebra, weight loss and a healthy diet, finding a career, making a good life for myself – just put my mind to it, and I would find a solution.

This morning, I woke up with that phrase in my head, “I can do it if I put my mind to it.”

This morning, like every morning, as soon as I got a glimmer of consciousness, I started up with my To Do list. Plus, it’s Monday, chock-a-block with chores, responsibilities, things I want to do, ought to do, forgot to do, someone asked me to do, it would be cool to do, other people do, if I was acting like a grown up I would do …  I felt overwhelmed, angry, ashamed, and exhausted as this onslaught washed over me. It’s a hell of a way to greet the privilege of a new day!

More and more, though, on mornings like this one, I am starting to catch myself, and instead try and just be for a moment, happy to be awake again, happy to be at the start of a new day of possibilities and delights. This morning, I caught myself and thought: no, this – today, life —  isn’t something I can figure out with the power of my mind. I think it works better if I come from my heart.

If I put my heart to it, I can start from a place of peace rather than a place of panic. I can take time to transition from rest to consciousness, connecting with gratitude rather than fear. I can acknowledge, from my heart, that there is a lot to do – there is always a lot to do, that never changes – but that I can use my heart to help ground and connect me to the most positive path, allowing my innate wisdom to guide me.

This morning, I put my heart to it. It’s not that I didn’t feel all those feelings of fear and worry, because I did, but I also said a few prayers and thank yous. I sent love to my family and friends and to the whole beautiful world. My father, the inveterate atheist, perhaps wouldn’t have understood, but, kind and dear man that he was, I know he would approve of putting more love out there.

Darlings, dearests, what might you put your heart to today?

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through graduate school and life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.