Meditations for Queer Femmes – Proud

It was a hard weekend. The weather was gorgeous and I am safe and well, but my emotions were running wild. I was dwelling on the past, being hard on myself, tumbling in a river of despair and grief starting with myself and expanding to all the world. Sadly, I’ve spent a lot of time in that raging river, especially when I was younger, before I knew I was queer, when I thought I was completely broken. It’s disturbing and astounding to me how comfortable it can be to immerse myself in that familiar unremitting misery. How stubborn about it I can be.

This past weekend was Pride in Boston. I couldn’t go last year because I was so sick with chemo, so I had really, really been looking forward to going this year, especially to the Dyke March. Everything went online, so I certainly could have participated, but in my shitty mood, I couldn’t be bothered. Then, with the last few drops of healthy and at the very last minute, I managed to get in the car with Tex and go haring off in search of the LexPride car caravan Pride parade in the next town over. We put on our Pride beads, and Tex wore her Provincetown rainbow tank and I rocked my Fierce, Femme & Fabulous hot pink top, a gift from a friend. The parade was winding down when we grabbed a spot at the very end of the line, a rowdy caboose, cranking Le Tigre and the B52s, waving our tiny rainbow flag and shouting, “Happy Pride!” out the window. It was wonderful.

As Tex said, you gotta bring your cute, your joy, and your happy when you go to Pride, and that’s what we did.

Sisters dear, may you bask in the glow of Pride today. May your Pride – our Pride — feed you and comfort you in the midst of frightening and difficult times. Throw on a little gay music and let the rainbow love soothe you and fill you and center you in queer delight, that your spirits are revived and you know who you are and where you are.

Happy Pride!!!!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I recover from treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.