Meditations for Queer Femmes – Now, Not Now    

Living with mortality has never been easy for we humans; and it’s currently a hundred times weirder. It seems almost impossible to make decisions, large or small, everything seems to weighted. The word “coronertia” came to mind yesterday, making Tex and me laugh, since we often come to the end of the day and can’t remember what we did, let alone if we made any progress at all on any of the many projects we know we’d meant to get to. A couple weeks ago, I started writing everything down, just to prove to myself that I was indeed doing my work, bashing out a chore or two here and there and just generally going about life as best I could. My brain on pandemic is just as fritzy as can be.

Our friend who is a veterinary surgeon tells us that people who acquired puppies during quarantine are freaking out when she tells them the price of spaying or neutering. “But we’re out of work!” they protest, and she wonders why they didn’t think of that before getting a dog. I have sympathy for those folks, though, as impulsively as they may have acted. “Now,” they thought to themselves, “let’s finally go ahead and do it!”

Every day, every moment, we make decisions. We put off something we want, we force ourselves to do something we dislike but feel a responsibility towards, we wibble and wobble about other things. It’s hard enough at the best of times to sort through all of this – which things can wait, which things have come due and are calling our names so loudly our ears are ringing, which things have nothing to do with us and which things we can’t afford to ignore – but during a worldwide pandemic, I think our reasoning has taken a huge hit. “I don’t think I’ve ever busted my ass so hard in order to produce such mediocre work,” a zoom-weary friend complained recently.

You have heard it before, my stressed out and suffering queer femme sisters, but hear it from me today: be gentle with yourselves. If you can’t decide, put it down. If you pray, pray about it. If you don’t, perhaps the answer will come to you in a dream, or after you’ve taken a walk, or stood barefoot on the grass or sipped a cup of fragrant tea or finally allowed yourself to take a nap. Allow for the idea that whatever you’re fretting about, it may already be good enough, done enough, big enough, gorgeous enough, or that it might not look like what you expected but it’s robust and jolly and will get the job done.

When you ask yourselves, for the umpteenth time today, Now? Not now? open your hands and unclench; open your hearts and find that frequency, your own steady pulse, the low, sweet hum of connection to ancestors, family, the river of love that is the sisterhood of queer femmes, the delicious spring, the always possible. You are surrounded and held, by your own dear body, your community, your spirit, the great sweep of things of which you are one dazzling and resplendent spark.

I know you will move forward with grace.

 

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As recover from treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

 

 

Published in: on May 25, 2020 at 5:04 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Pingy-Dingy Wednesday – Congratulations, Leah!!

Just learned that Leah Piepzna-Samarashinha won the 2020 Jeanne Córdova Prize!* Congratulations, Leah! Thank you for your generous, fierce, brilliant, queer disabled femme writing. The world is a better place for your presence and your work.

https://www.lambdaliterary.org/2020/05/5-questions-leah-lakshmi-piepzna-samarasinha/

* Lambda Literary’s Jeanne Córdova Prize for Lesbian/Queer Nonfiction, in memory of the beloved activist and author, honors lesbian/queer-identified women and trans/gender non-conforming nonfiction authors. The award will go to a writer committed to nonfiction work that captures the depth and complexity of lesbian/queer life, culture, and/or history. The winner of the prize will have published at least one book and show promise in continuing to produce groundbreaking and challenging work. The award was introduced in 2018 and includes a cash prize of $2,500.

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter, love, and inspiration to be had elsewhere online.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I recover from treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

Published in: on May 13, 2020 at 11:44 AM  Comments (2)  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Better

Our old dog has recently begun to prefer outings over walks. He and I go to a field or a park, and he sniffs around, eats a little grass, does some rolling, does his business, does some more rolling, and then just hangs out, enjoying being outside. It’s good for him, but kind of static for me, waiting there at the other end of the leash, so the other day, I got a fresh poop bag and started picking up trash. Lots of cigarette butts. That little bit of park looked a lot better after he and had been there that day.

It can be annoying to feel that you have to clean up someone else’s mess, and if I thought too hard about it, I could be pretty upset by my fellow humans who so cavalierly squish out their cigarettes in the nice grass of a public park, but not the other day. Doing a bit of tidying helped me out – the dog got a longer, more satisfying outing because I wasn’t bored and antsy – and it was even kind of meditative.

There are so many little ways we can make things better. It doesn’t have to be the grandest gesture or affect the most people or command the attention of the whole wide world or tire us out and work us to the bone. Sometimes all it takes to make a positive shift is to walk into the room smiling.

Scintillating and frabjous queer femme marvels, today take a moment to know that you have made a difference in the world. You have made a difference by being just exactly who you are with the ideas that you have and the abilities you express.

You have made things better.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As recover from treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

 

Published in: on May 11, 2020 at 4:42 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Queer Femmes Respond – Liz Nania on The Speaker Sisterhood and COVID-19

Cheerful readers, you have perhaps been lucky enough to view queer femme artist Liz Nania’s stunningly lovely work either at an exhibit or on her website. Recently, she joined The Speaker Sisterhood, “a nationwide network of speaking clubs for women who seek public speaking skills, the confidence to share their voice, and a strong, supportive circle of friends to help them do it. We’re gathering women who are ready to make their voice heard and discover how powerful they are.” Here, in a speech delivered at her local branch of the Sisterhood, Liz reflects on fear: how she is honoring it, observing it, and meeting it with grace and courage.

Deep gratitude to Liz for her wisdom and generosity, for her deep commitment to queer community in general and to butch/femme visibility in particular, and for being so brave and SO FUCKING FEMME!

The Speaker Sisterhood was, for me, a lot like the coronavirus.

At my first meeting, our leader Jen asked us to speak right then and there, on the spot. I would need to instantly come up with a topic, and speak for two or three minutes. Did I mention I would have to fill up two or three entire minutes? With a topic of my choice. That I needed to come up with instantaneously. At my first meeting.

I felt the coldest deepest fear imaginable. I felt like the very blood in my veins was beginning to freeze. I felt paralyzed.  I stood there in front everyone. They at me expectantly while I just blinked, and my mind was racing so frantically, I couldn’t latch onto a single thought for what seemed an eternity. I babbled nervously about not being able to come up with anything, and trying to hide the burning terror I was actually experiencing in that moment.

As you may guess, I completed the exercise, sat down, and I neither passed out, nor died. No one ridiculed me. The women at the table had listened to me attentively and with expressions of genuine interest. Then someone else presented their own spontaneous mini speech, and then, another. This was a normal thing to do.

As I drove to work after leaving that first meeting, I was feeling pretty proud of my bravery, and also stunned at how deeply afraid I had been. I knew I was going to feel really scared, but I couldn’t believe how truly terrifying it was for me to simply speak. My own extreme fear seemed wildly disproportionate to the reality of the situation.  It was NOT a matter of life and death, for godsake! But I knew this speaking challenge would continue to be very scary. So I went right to my laptop and prepaid my membership dues for six months. I needed to commit. This group of women felt safe to me. We had even laughed together.

I began thinking about that frequently quoted “fact” that many people fear public speaking more than even death. Believing this factoid is truly soothing to me. I don’t beat myself to a pulp for feeling this shocking degree of fear over something that really does NOT warrant it, because so many others share that same fear too. So while I’m pretty sure I’m the most anxious person in the room at the meeting, I know I’m not the only one to ever have that fear. And that tells me that, with the repetition of practice, I can relax this fear. Maybe even conquer it. And conquering a fear that is so chilling, nearly immobilizing, in a safe environment, seems like an extremely valuable use of my time.

Little did I know, when I first joined the Speaker Sisterhood that I would really need to marshal those fear-slaying skills. Because we would all soon face, what is for so many, a genuine matter of life and death. The worldwide pandemic.

In the past weeks, I’ve felt that same ice-cold fear, roiling in my belly. That near-panic. The frozen sensation of being immobilized, my heart pounding. Times of tears. People I know will die! What if I can’t save my mother?

These emotions were nearly identical to those I experienced in the Speaker Sisterhood meetings when I knew my turn to speak was coming, or when the moment came when I all I had to do was just open my mouth and talk. It amazes me to recognize how similar my mental and physical reactions were, when only one of these scenarios actually poses a threat.

This made me curious. I remembered that at my second Speaker Sisterhood meeting, my blind terror shrank a few degrees, becoming just strong fear. By the end of my third meeting, having spoken up six or seven times in total before this group of kind, gracious women on the same path, my strong fear had transformed into “fear”— just regular, palpable anxiety, a mild stomach ache, very familiar, nothing that would drench me in cold sweat. And now I see that this softening of fear happened from the repetition of practice and the welcoming support my speaker sisters who are on your own speaking journeys with me.

A few weeks ago, my gripping terror and misery over experiencing the beginning of this pandemic loosened, and has now subsided a fair amount. Of course there is and will be plenty more to worry about. But I’ve had about as much practice in creating new habits in this virus-infested world, as I’ve had in the Speaker Sisterhood so far: like many of you caring for elder parents, I was trying desperately to convince my healthy 89 year old, very independent mother, to practice quarantining and social distancing, even from her own daughter. I’ve been creating entirely new systems so I can get her daily needs met, while trying to convince her to let me do that. I’ve been learning how to make disinfecting and quarantining and social distancing the new normal in my own home, and I’ve been shutting down my workplace, which is my dance studio, for the foreseeable future. Like all of us, now I’m weighing the fear and risk in every action I take.

I’ve practiced doing all these new pandemic-related actions about as often as I’ve practiced public speaking.

And though this is only the beginning of this hellacious global crisis, I’m grateful that I’ve so recently strengthened my ability to fight fear, through my practice in the Speaker Sisterhood.

I’ve already gained some skills and resilience I never imagined I’d need to rely on so soon.

And I’ve learned it’s through practice and community, particularly a really good community of women.

About her art, Liz says: Much of my painting is abstract, but I do create some representational work, too. My art explores love, time, celebration, being a woman and a lesbian, social commentary, and other things dear to my heart. And my textile art is unapologetically feminine; it’s even more girly than I am!

See Liz Nania’s work: www.liznania.com, and on Instagram at liz_nania_art.   

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

 New Femme Friday feature starting spring 2020: Queer Femmes Respond. Are you reading more poetry? Are you navigating various technologies in order to see your folx and not be so isolated? Are you still going out to work? Are you able to get out for walks? Who’s home with you? We queer femmes are meeting these unsettling times with queer femme panache, and I want to hear about it! Along the lines of the Corona Letters over at the Sewanee Review, please send in what you’re doing, how you’re staying centered and sane! Write me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com with questions or ideas or a full-on post (with bio, if possible)!

 At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I recover from treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

 

Published in: on May 8, 2020 at 10:01 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – License to Putter

My mother tells the story of how, at the tender age of a mere year, I absolutely refused to continue taking naps. It was over, folks! I had shit I needed to take care of. Places to go! People to see! Apple juice to drink and goldfish to eat! I still hate taking naps. I mean, what a waste of time! I could be doing something!

Yesterday, case in point. Despite making all kinds of agreements with ourselves and with each other that we would rest and take it easy on Sundays, both my butch and I were quite busy. I mean, the schedule is all different these days anyway, and there were just a few little projects we both had going that needed tending to, it would just take a minute, oh, and then there was that one email to follow up on… We are both incorrigible, but, I’m happy to say, we did catch ourselves at some point, and then Tex went out and gardened, and I gave myself license to putter. Putter, as in, there’s no real goal or judgement hanging over you if you get something done or not. Putter, as in go ahead and drift from one nice little cozy project to the next, sitting down in-between with a cup of tea and a magazine. Putter, as in giving yourself time to just be, with yourself and in your space. Just leaning into the idea that you are exactly where you need to be, doing exactly what you should be doing. Yes, that kind of putter! Oof magouf, as a friend says. Now that was just the thing!

My dovelies, do you know how to relax? Do you ever take it down a notch, or even more than a notch? Can you give yourself the go-ahead to disengage the gears of your beautiful, brilliant, busy brains and let your heart and intuition lead?

Today, in the midst of it all, I wish for you a moment of pure putter. You will go back to your worldsaving and worldhealing the better for it. Everyone you love will thank you for it. I thank you. For your incredibly important work, the work you do every day, and the part where you turn all that love onto yourselves and just rest.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I undergo treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

 

Published in: on May 4, 2020 at 4:21 PM  Comments (2)  
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Femme Friday – Chaya Milchtein, The Mechanic Shop Femme!

Shimmying in the bed of a sweet yellow pick up truck, Chaya Milchtein is one of the women of the year honored by The Advocate in their April/May 2020 issue. On her website, she writes, “My work falls under the umbrella of empowerment. Be exactly who you are while educating yourself on things that will empower you. I blog about radical body acceptance, automotive fundamentals and queer life and love.”

Deep gratitude to Chaya for her femme magic of combining her love and her knowledge into something incredibly generous and healing. And for saying, “I’m here to empower femmes to do whatever the hell they want while wearing whatever the hell they want.” Check in with Chaya about your car troubles and so much more!

https://mechanicshopfemme.com/

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

 New Femme Friday feature starting spring 2020: Queer Femmes Respond. Are you reading more poetry? Are you navigating various technologies in order to see your folx and not be so isolated? Are you still going out to work? Are you able to get out for walks? Who’s home with you? We queer femmes are meeting these unsettling times with queer femme panache, and I want to hear about it! Along the lines of the Corona Letters over at the Sewanee Review, please send in what you’re doing, how you’re staying centered and sane! Write me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com with questions or ideas or a full-on post (with bio, if possible)!

 At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I undergo treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

Published in: on May 1, 2020 at 12:32 AM  Leave a Comment  
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