It’s college application time, and I’m helping students with their application essays. It’s so excruciating for them! Instead of listing accomplishments and turning out a neatly packaged tale showing their best qualities, I’m suggesting they dig as deeply as they can, expose vulnerabilities, inconsistencies, struggles. I’m suggesting they let go of their desire to control. As difficult as this is, it certainly makes for a more honest story, and it’s an excellent exercise in keeping an open heart. Of being genuine.
My recently-deceased father was pretty much always who he was. It would drive me crazy quite frequently, as who he was included a lot of irascible and even offensive behaviors, but you could count on him not trying to fool you. He was always himself, grumpy, charming, deeply observant and kind, infuriating. Once he told Tex he wasn’t going to help with the dishes “because that’s women’s work” and he went off snickering to do something else. Tex didn’t appreciate that remark much at the time, but was recently recalling it, laughing at herself and admiring how astute my father was about knowing how to really piss her off, his gruff, Midwestern way of saying, “I know you; I see you; and I’m going to get you!” Nothing PC or disingenuous about that man, and even with Alzheimer’s, that man was still there.
I was recently speaking with a woman who has a rare form of lymphoma and who has really had a difficult time. She was telling me that she’s been feeling a normal level of energy for the past few days, for the first time in a very long time. She shared some of the details of what was going on in her life – concerns about her kids, her job, her marriage – and strikingly, kept asking, “What do I deserve?” Even up against such an incredibly strong reminder of mortality, she’s still struggling with that question. We queer femmes certainly struggle with that question, no matter our situation, wondering where we fit in, especially up against homophobia, misogyny, our own difficulties in our families, our communities.
Sisters of my heart, do you remember being 17? Younger? Those moments when you knew, without a doubt, who you were, what you liked, what you wanted? When you knew just exactly how you were connected to the bigger picture of humanity? What your gifts are and how you were going to use them?
My darlings, what can you do for yourselves today to keep coming closer to your true selves, away from the expectations, requirements, judgments and projections of others?
Take a quiet moment. Put your hand on your heart.
Remember and celebrate your I AM.
Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.
At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)
The Total Femme 