Pingy-Dingy Wednesday – Leonard Peltier’s 2019 Thanksgiving Message

For the first time in many years, I won’t be attending the National Day of Mourning in Plymouth, MA. I’m sad about this, because it’s one of the most holy days of my years, but I’m just too worn out this year to manage. “You’ll do something, though, Mom!” said my younger son, and he’s right. I’ll read Leonard Peltier’s message, for one thing.

Unsettling America and Leonard Peltier, you get one pingy-dingy! Thank you for your wisdom and your generosity.

https://unsettlingamerica.wordpress.com/2019/11/26/leonard-peltiers-2019-thanksgiving-message-walking-on-stolen-land/

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter, love, and inspiration to be had elsewhere online.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) As I undergo treatment for breast cancer, however, I’m just going to post whenever I can manage.

 

Published in: on November 27, 2019 at 4:24 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – OTL

I once had a student from Korea who was in the States for high school. One day, when I got to his house and asked him how he was doing, he said very dramatically, “I am OTL!!”

“Excuse me?”

“O! T! L!” To his great amazement, I had absolutely no idea what he meant. He

had to draw it for me.

You draw it, too, for yourself right now: write OTL on a piece of paper so that all the letters are touching. There! See? It looks like someone completely at the end of their strength, utterly given over to fatigue and barely crawling along.

I’d totally forgotten about OTL until recently when it floated back up into my consciousness. Darlings, your Total Femme is totally OTL! When I asked the oncology nurse about certain symptoms I’m having, she said they’re probably less from chemo et al. and more because I’m without doubt more tired than I’ve ever been in my entire life due to everything my body has had to get through since I was diagnosed with breast cancer last spring.

“And it’s almost December now!” a dear friend reminded me yesterday. With months to go until my last infusion next spring.

So, my turtle doves, I am going to put some things down for a bit, go to ground. Pay attention to health and hearth.

I’ll go ahead and scribble some bits and bobs to post when the energy and inspiration intersect, but for now, I’m going to release myself from the weekly schedule.

Your precious individual femme lives, your joy-filled and life-giving femme community and the beautiful queer love that you spread every single day live in my heart.

May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be kind to yourselves and may you accept yourselves and your lives just as they are.

I am right there with you.

 

 

 

Published in: on November 25, 2019 at 4:05 PM  Comments (4)  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Ground by Miel Rose

This lovely prayer for you today, sweet sisters.

 

May I never lose my connection

With the ground under my feet

May gravity hold me firmly in my body

As I walk my path

Anchored solidly to the Earth

Roots pushing through soil

Nourished by the fertile darkness

Let my chord drop down

Down

Through underground rivers

Through layers of bedrock

Through oceans of magma

Secure in the Core

Connected to the Center

Held and blessed by the Earth

Overflowing with gratitude

Miel Rose is a witch and healer living and practicing in Western, Mass. Check out her etsy store, Flame and Honeycomb: an eclectic line of magical offerings, including sacred votives, herbal skincare, magical honey sweetened chocolates, hand embroidered art pieces and more!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)

 

 

Published in: on November 11, 2019 at 5:07 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Femme Friday – Jackie Monahan

Jackie was handing out fliers for her show at the annual Women’s Week football game when I rather abruptly asked her if she identifies as femme. Although her first answer was that she does not, when I explained that I have a blog called The Total Femme and asked her if she would be interested in speaking about femme, she very graciously said that she would. Welcome Jackie! Thank you so much for stopping by. And you, precious reader, might like to stop by Jackie’s website to see what she’s up to!

Deep gratitude to Jackie for her kick-ass queer humor, for sharing the fact that she had a toad collection as a kid, for loving to read (me too!!), and for her willingness to explore femme even though some days she might actually be a stealth butch.

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Do you identify as femme?

I identify as Queer. On stage I am most comfortable in a dress because it softens the things that I talk about. I think most people identify me as femme and that is completely 100% fine with me.

Why or why not?

Some people call me stealth butch, I had one girlfriend that totally felt I was butch, as she identified as femme. None of it bothers me as I pretty much identify with all of it at one time or another. I feel like I am always changing. I do not have a favorite color, a favorite movie, nor a favorite musician. I love so many. It is easier to name what I do not like.

I identify a lot with this Alan Watts quote  “Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.”

What is your (femme) coming out story? 

I lived in Providence, RI. I kept accidentally sleeping with my female friends. Then I met Anne Robertson my ex-wife of 12 years. (We are still very best friends and I love her new wife.) She knocked me off my feet,  I officially came out, we had a ceremony, and moved to Philly and then to NYC.

What does “femme” mean to you?

 I do not want to identify myself as ONLY femme. I can be femme. I can look very femme, but I am not just femme. I feel as though a total femme cares about her appearance a bit more than me. I absolutely do not unless I am on stage or have to be “on”. I want to be as comfortable as possible and to have zero makeup on and play sports. I love playing basketball. I was the first girl picked on teams growing up. I beat boys at sports all the time and still do. I was a major Tomboy. I played with toy guns instead of dolls. I had a barbie pool that I put frogs in. I had a toad collection. With 14 toads. I may look femme but I feel very down the middle. I went on a tour with 4 very butch lesbians and I had the least luggage and took the least time to get ready.

If you are a femme who is romantically attracted to butches, please discuss!

My ex is a soft butch Ellen look alike:

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I have never dated a hard core butch but I have made out with a few.

If you are attracted to other femmes or other identities, please discuss!

I used to get mad when femmes hit on me; I cannot even imagine it now. I really do like Femmes now. I have dated a few. But I do not have a type. I am really attracted to energy. Strong, confident, authentic, and joyful energy. Something I noticed, for me, with dating femme women is that when you break up with them they won’t let you. They scream, yell and rattle off all the things you did wrong.  I am sure that is not all femme woman it was just my experience that I found interesting.

What does “butch” mean to you?

More rugged looking.

What attracts you to butches/other femmes/other identities?

Independence is sexy. A passionate existence. Finding satisfaction in every moment. Being unstoppable. Loving themselves and taking care of themselves. Travel. Educated. Good sense of humor. Good taste in films. I love to read so it is nice to date someone who also likes to read.

Is your femme intrinsically linked to butch? In what way?

Sometimes I hate how girly I get around butch women. I catch myself saying hiiiiiiii and want to throw up. But I love how butch I get around a more femme woman. All of a sudden I am chivalrous and I don’t even realize I am doing it.

If not, how does butch connect with your femme?

I have to say when I was younger I really enjoyed being femme there was a power in it that really was A BLAST. It is still there but it isn’t as fun for me now. So much has shifted for me recently. I felt like it was fun being femme and flirty but now we are at a time when the definition of fun has changed for me. We have to help the fall of the patriarchy along. For me that is fun. I feel very much that femme woman can stay femme and kill it in that area. For me I am tapping more into my butchness because I find a lot of personal strength there. Don’t get me wrong my femme side is just as strong if not stronger. She has dealt with stuff my butch side probably couldn’t handle. For where I want to go and what I am doing now, I am embracing my inner butch and femme equally. At my core I really feel as though I am both, and that can change — it always does.

Has your understanding of femme changed over the years?

Heels have gone back and forth as strength and self sabotage in my mind. But Ginger Rogers proved them to be strong and so do Drag Queens. I do my best dancing in heels. I feel powerful in heels and I feel powerful in sneakers. It is just different power.

How do you see femmes as radical? Unique? 

When I was a kid my Dad said feminists “were women who never got the door held for them so they said they didn’t want them held. ” I remember that making my blood boil. I knew that was wrong and I knew I hated all the unwanted attention I got day in and day out. At 12 years old I could not walk down the street without grown men honking at me constantly. I remember walking home from school and counting all the honks. I made myself feel better thinking maybe they thought I was 16. These men were much too old to even be honking at a 16 year old. Also, they knew I was 12.  I live in LA and just the other day I took an Uber and the driver assumed I was straight and made a homophobic comment. I took my car to the dealership in Santa Monica and the employee of the month made complete homophobic comments to me. He actually said “the gays are bringing the rapture.” Not looking gay means we have to come out all the time.

Who are your femme role models in the present? The past?

Sandra Bernhard, Grace Jones, Suzanne Westenhoefer and St. Vincent

Do you have a femme community? Why? Why not?

I have a lot of femme friends they are badass and I love them.

Have you encountered issues in the wider queer community as a femme?

No

What are three things another femme did to cheer you up when you were sad?

They have helped me get work; they have taken me to the beach during hard times and screamed at the ocean with me; they have also told me I am incredibly loved and supported.

How many femme friends do you have?

17

What is one wonderful, special, unique thing about each of these femmes?

They are beautiful, strong, and they won’t take any shit . All while staying incredibly calm, together, and fierce. They each want to be the best versions of themselves. For themselves and for the world.

Anything else you’d like to share with readers of the blog about your life as a femme? 

That I love being a woman. Growing up all I said constantly was “it isn’t fair!

I was ANGRY I knew the world was set up for men and I was powerless to change it. Everyone around me just conformed to it and wondered why I had to be so mad all the time. I went to Catholic school I saw the nuns live in poverty and the priests live like kings. My Mom had been a the first female pilot in New Jersey but she quit when her instructor kept making advances at her and stalking her. She really never had strength again, just rage. I am beyond happy for the status quo finally being really shaken up and things made right. I am proud of all my friends who have lived through the same nonsense I endured. They are here, being themselves, falling down and getting back up. The hate has always been there and I am beyond glad people are way more aware. I want all the beautiful woman in the world to not let an ounce of that hate in their hearts. To keep their centers filled with love so we can make this world as beautiful as she deserves to be.

Jackie Monahan is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer who is setting comedy stages on fire from LA to New York with her fearless brand of humor. She toured the country featuring for Amy Schumer, which included opening for her monthly in Vegas. Jackie has since been headlining clubs, colleges, and cruise Lines such as Atlantis and Olivia. She can be seen live at: The Comedy Store, The Improv, and alternative rooms throughout Los Angeles. You may have seen her on Adult Swim’sThe Eric Andre Show, NBC’s Last Comic Standing, or Comedy Jam on Showtime. Jackie currently co-stars in Wild Nights With Emily starring Molly Shannon as Emily Dickinson. The film premiered at SXSW to a rave review in Indie wire and currently holds a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. In addition, Jackie starred in and co-wrote Madeleine Olnek’s beloved Sundance feature film The Foxy Merkins which was also nominated for an Independent Spirit award for best Director. Jackie was Zylar in Olnek’s Sundance hit Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same which received rave reviews from both Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. Roger Ebert called Monahan “A delight, and the Queen of Deadpan.” She has been professionally trained at UCB and Groundlings but she was born with a spot on sense of timing and a unique look at life that cannot be duplicated. Jackie won Time Out New York Joke of the Year and was voted comic to watch by Esquire magazine, who said “Jackie has the looks of your friend’s hot older sister with the jokes of a deranged serial killer. She will kill you and you will be smiling.” Jackie’s dynamic presence, both on television and on the stage, brings an unapologetic fearlessness to every performance, and a spontaneous combustion that will give you an ab workout and make you want to dance in the aisles. According to The Comedy Bible  “Jackie wins over the crowd with her contagious energy. Jackie is fearless and patient. She keeps the energy up with every joke and she always delivers. She shines when being herself which is silly, relatable and absolutely disarming. She embraces universal humor that is genuinely entertaining to all audiences.” So do as the Brink says and  “…jump at the opportunity to see this unstoppable comedian on the rise.”

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it! New Femme Friday feature starting fall 2018: Books from which queer femmes can draw inspiration. What are your trusted sources of light and love? Please share!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)

 

Published in: on November 8, 2019 at 4:50 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – To the Irascible Last

It’s college application time, and I’m helping students with their application essays. It’s so excruciating for them! Instead of listing accomplishments and turning out a neatly packaged tale showing their best qualities, I’m suggesting they dig as deeply as they can, expose vulnerabilities, inconsistencies, struggles. I’m suggesting they let go of their desire to control. As difficult as this is, it certainly makes for a more honest story, and it’s an excellent exercise in keeping an open heart. Of being genuine.

My recently-deceased father was pretty much always who he was. It would drive me crazy quite frequently, as who he was included a lot of irascible and even offensive behaviors, but you could count on him not trying to fool you. He was always himself, grumpy, charming, deeply observant and kind, infuriating. Once he told Tex he wasn’t going to help with the dishes “because that’s women’s work” and he went off snickering to do something else. Tex didn’t appreciate that remark much at the time, but was recently recalling it, laughing at herself and admiring how astute my father was about knowing how to really piss her off, his gruff, Midwestern way of saying, “I know you; I see you; and I’m going to get you!” Nothing PC or disingenuous about that man, and even with Alzheimer’s, that man was still there.

I was recently speaking with a woman who has a rare form of lymphoma and who has really had a difficult time. She was telling me that she’s been feeling a normal level of energy for the past few days, for the first time in a very long time. She shared some of the details of what was going on in her life – concerns about her kids, her job, her marriage – and strikingly, kept asking, “What do I deserve?” Even up against such an incredibly strong reminder of mortality, she’s still struggling with that question. We queer femmes certainly struggle with that question, no matter our situation, wondering where we fit in, especially up against homophobia, misogyny, our own difficulties in our families, our communities.

Sisters of my heart, do you remember being 17? Younger? Those moments when you knew, without a doubt, who you were, what you liked, what you wanted? When you knew just exactly how you were connected to the bigger picture of humanity? What your gifts are and how you were going to use them?

My darlings, what can you do for yourselves today to keep coming closer to your true selves, away from the expectations, requirements, judgments and projections of others?

Take a quiet moment. Put your hand on your heart.

Remember and celebrate your I AM.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)

 

Published in: on November 4, 2019 at 3:01 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Femme Friday — The Word “Femme”

Along with many of you, I’ve been tracking the way the word “femme” has changed in meaning since lo these many years ago when I read Joan Nestle’s The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader and realized with a delicious, shocking, soul-shaking thrill that I am a femme who loves butches. Back then, my understanding was that femme was utterly queer, and kind of a niche identity, often maligned, within the queer world. Although gay men sometimes used the term about other gay men, usually in a derogatory fashion, femme mostly meant a lesbian like me: more than ok with being a girl – and I got to define what “being a girl” means for me – but romantically and sexually completely off limits to men, completely queer and queering all kinds of gender and sexuality stereotypes.

Lately, though, the word “femme” has been roaming around all over the place, and I haven’t been able to see myself in some of the new usages, which has been disconcerting. For some time, I thought that this was because the usage had been expanded to include all kinds of folx other than lesbians, and I was rather stern with myself, a former linguistics student, for being so grumpy about this prime example of changing language.

Last night, I was reading an article in Boston Spirit magazine about a new show by KAIROS Dance Theater exploring the objectification of women, and came to the following paragraph:

The playful and provocative experience starts when the audience walks through the doors. They’ll see a ‘Garden of Femme,’ three performers in the BCA lobby. One is dressed as a femme fatale; another a nonbinary drag queen; the third, a beauty pageant contestant, all ‘moving statues’ weaving around that challenge gender notions, says Pellecchia (the choreographer). *

The missing piece fell into place for me: my discomfort with the new usage of the word “femme” is less about its expanded umbrella and much, much more about how “femme” seems to now be used exclusively to refer to gender. That’s why it feels so upsetting to me: it’s like “femme” no longer encompasses my own, beautiful, utterly queer, utterly exciting sexuality.

Well, of course I still have my sexuality. But the changing meaning of the word “femme” has ironically taken away, rather than expand. I expect that if I say “I’m femme,” to folx these days, they’ll assume nothing other than that femme is how I express myself, rather than how I’m wired romantically and sexually. And that’s a loss for me.

This is a really good example of why it’s incredibly important for queers of all kinds to make an effort to come together in community, the old and the young and the in-between; the super old school and the super new. Concepts such as nonbinary are saving lives today, just the way my understanding of femme saved mine back in the day. If we don’t talk with each other, listen to each other, communicate about our histories and personal stories, we will lose nuances and sources of knowledge. The status quo is more than happy for us to rumble with each other, disappear each other in a desperate scrabble for resources, when the reality is there is so much room. Room for all of us, and room for all of us to learn from each other.

I’ve never stopped being femme, and I don’t suppose I ever will. Think you know what I mean when I say that? Well, you might and you might not. But I’m happy to talk, so ask me a question. I might have a question or two for you, as well. The most important thing is that we not shut out or down each other’s vibrant, beautiful, true and lovely queer identities.

*Boston Spirit, Nov./Dec. 2019, “Backwards and in High Heels: KAIROS Dance Theater tackles objectification of women in new show” by Loren King

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it! New Femme Friday feature starting fall 2018: Books from which queer femmes can draw inspiration. What are your trusted sources of light and love? Please share!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)

 

 

Published in: on November 1, 2019 at 3:38 PM  Leave a Comment  
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