Meditations for Queer Femmes – Depths

Chemo is hard as shit and it’s really kicking my ass today. I can’t believe I have to do this two more times. I’m scared I won’t be able to. I asked my butch husband Tex if she was sick of my punk-ass self, and she said no, not of me, but of this illness and the process – she’s awfully sorry I have to go through it, but she’s very clear that it’s saving my life. I said I’m afraid it’s hurting me in some other really profound ways at the same time, and she said that we’ll get to that healing when we get to it. Right now, we have to focus on the two more games in the tournament.

She said that if the US and Netherland teams had to play all the time as hard and full-on as they did yesterday in the World Cup Final, they wouldn’t last. People would get hurt, people would collapse from heat exhaustion, and someone might even die. But for those two 45-minute halves, the women went all out. Because that’s what they do. Because they’re strong. Because they’ve trained for it and because they are completely on board.

She said that I’m strong and I’ve trained for it and I’m completely on board. That I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing.

And all I could say, through tears, was, “Thanks, Coach!”

Sweet stoic femme beloveds, you, too, are so strong in your souls. Whatever hard thing you’re doing right now, know that you can get through it. You can get through it with your big heart, by accepting help, by surrendering and accepting, by being grateful, by feeling your anger and regrets and allowing them to dissipate as all emotions do dissipate, like weather. You aren’t alone – I’m down here with you, I’m rooting for you, just as I know you’re rooting for me, and together our femme power and love keeps our dear life’s energy moving forward in those channels of beauty and marvel. In the beautiful game.

Megan Rapinoe, posing after her goal at the Women’s World Cup, 2019

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)



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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You are amazing. And so is your Butch hubby. Bless you both. And what a damn great shot of her to go with this post. Sending love & support from Australia xx 💋

  2. Thank you, darlin’! Love to you back! xottf

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