The Total Femme

I have loved to sing my entire life, but it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I started taking some voice lessons and venturing out a bit to join various low-pressure, no-audition groups. About a year and a half ago, I ratcheted up the oompah and kicked my own ass quite firmly to audition for a local women’s chorus. It was scary, but I did it, and what do you know, I’m now a member. I still don’t have a huge amount of confidence in my own singing ability, though, so I like sitting between two stronger singers and, if I’m not careful, will completely lose myself there, following them even if they make a mistake or stop singing altogether. I usually can’t even hear myself. The other day at rehearsal, though, through some quirk of acoustics, I heard my own voice, quite clearly. I wasn’t loud, but I was singing with a lot of love. And it sounded good!

We live in such a culture of experts, professionals, snarky commentators on people’s abilities, looks, and heart’s desires, that those of us of a more retiring nature (and even those of us more outgoing) can remain hovering in a comfort zone of blandness, denying ourselves pleasures and joy. Or we might make a herculean effort to check off one of our bucket list items, only to be so anxious once we’re there that all we can think about is how we’re not good enough or not doing it right.

It was such a surprise, so unexpected, for me to suddenly hear my voice, right in my ear, that night. Especially since, for just a moment, I didn’t recognize myself. Right in that split second was when I thought, “Oh, she sounds nice!”

Dear femme sisters, step away from the noise in your head just a wee nip today. See yourselves, hear yourselves, watch yourselves without judgment and with no other purpose than to witness your own joy, that ur-joy to which we are all entitled, the one we were born with and the one always doing its best to bubble up and out.

Yes! You are shining, bubbling, beckoning, rising, lilting, stepping so sweet! It is a joy to bask in your effulgence!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, kind, and wise and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”)