“Two-Mom Families are Different”

Yesterday my ex and I had what my Beau refers to as THE LAWYER SMACKDOWN. This involved all four of us – me and my lawyer, Sarah and her lawyer – sitting in a small room with a big whiteboard (“Feel free to use this,” said Sarah’s lawyer generously; no one did), a plate of blueberry scones which my lawyer enjoyed, and no windows. We sat there over 3 hours, and me and my lawyer tried, with some success, to make Sarah realize that if she doesn’t shape up and cop to certain adult responsibilities, I will sue her for custody. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with details, but let me say that I was so grateful to have my lawyer there, who was so calmly yet firmly cut through the bullshit Sarah attempted to throw all over the place. At one point she said winsomely, “Oh, but we’re a two-mom family, and two-mom families are different!” as if somehow because we’re two gals we don’t need to get embroiled in all that crazy court and lawyer stuff the wacky straight folks are always running off and doing. What crap!

Several days before the SMACKDOWN, I had a dream about zombies. They were very well dressed, and in fact, well-spoken and friendly – even to the point of taking their turns cleaning the hotel we were all staying in – as long as me and the few other people who weren’t zombies would keep singing this song, “Little Horses.” It was tedious singing “Little Horses” all the time, so sometimes me and the other people would stop and try and figure out if we could record it and play it on the radio so the zombies would stay tame and not try to eat us, but nothing worked except for us to sing it ourselves. If we stopped for very long, the zombies would stop being well-spoken and friendly and would start to make that scary zombie noise that they make right before they start trying to take a bite out of your arm, you know, MMMMMRRRRRRRRRMMMMMRRRRRRMMMMMMRRR. Like that.

For the six years my ex and I have been divorced in all but legal papers, I feel like I’ve been singing “Little Horses” at the top of my lungs, trying to pacify her and get her to act like a normal person instead of a zombie bully. Her narcissism, her completely inappropriate anger, her wounded psyche, her entitlement, all combinded together (as the boys used to say) to become a very potent weapon against us being able to work together as co-parents to give the boys a happy, healthy childhood. Against all my natural instincts, I finally had to take this step of involving lawyers, so that the boys will be protected and we will at last have some clarity in our co-parenting relationship. Our post-divorce relationship. What a drag, what a heartbreak, what a wallet-emptier, but what a relief to finally be getting her attention and seeing some movement.

She and her lawyer have a week to get back to us on our main demands having to do with enforcing more sanity and clarity in our custodial arrangements. If they say no, we start proceedings to sue for custody, which my lawyer says we probably won’t get, but it will be another way to let Sarah know I’m not backing down on what I know to be the best for the boys. My Beau says I have to get mean, meaner than I’m ever really inclined to be. I’m usually more inclined to give in to bullying and then bitch about it and feel awful. There was a book in the lawyer’s office called Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford. Just the title was inspiring, because I do feel that I’ve become truer to myself since having to fight so hard to protect the boys. I just don’t have any time for self-indulgent bullshit, since that won’t get me where I need to be, and more importantly, won’t be any good for the guys. I watched Sarah cry and get red in the face and angry and try to throw up smoke screen after smoke screen as we sat together in that little room yesterday. It made me sad, and I do have compassion for her, but the time for talking about feelings is over. We’re the adults, and the fact is that of course both of us are heartbroken and neither of us started out our relationship thinking we’d get a divorce after having kids. But we did, and now we have to deal with it. As adults, so the kids can keep being kids.

However, when you’re driving the FEMMEMOBILE home from the SMACKDOWN, you can remember that you have “Easter” and you can fucking CRANK “Privilege” and godDAMN but Patty Smith hits the spot sometime. GODAMN GODAMN GODAMN HERE I AM!!!!!!

Published in: on March 19, 2009 at 2:31 PM  Leave a Comment  

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