“Did you harvest the parsley?” Tex asked me this morning.
I’d been waiting to go check on it until later in the day, so the answer was no. But somebody had harvested it, cuz there was nothing out there but a bunch of chopped off stalks waving in the breeze.
Not somebody. Some bunnies. So much for our bumper crop! I managed to find a few leaves for our fried rice, but otherwise. Basta!
Whenever I, or, from what I can tell from sharing story, anybody with type 1 diabetes goes to the endocrinologist, said endo will peer at the data charting blood glucose, all the gnarly ups and downs, and they will point to a particularly gnarly up and they will inquire:
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
The answer, for me, is usually, I don’t know, I fucking ate something. I don’t say fucking to the endo.
I am really struggling with this fucking disease. That would be Latent Auto-immune Diabetes in Adults, diagnosed two years ago, and not getting any easier to accept. Worse, actually, because the longer it goes on, the more it doesn’t go away and the more I learn about how really, really difficult it is. As no-longer-my endo and no-longer-my diabetes educator both told me, there are way, way worse things. Yes, I know there are, but this is me, right now, having a really freaking hard time, so could you please give me some support and info instead of trying to buck me up with a bit of blessing counting? My angels, my feather boas, my tweetie bird beloveds, are you feeling me here? Sometimes something happens and it gets you right in the jugular. Like this did for me.
The problem with this really bad thing is that it makes the other bad things in life (and, ok, of course there are always bad things!) so so so much worse. The things I was more or less handling in some way or another, even feeling joy and being able to tune into happy and etc., all those things now weigh twice as much as they used to. It’s a bad spiral and I’m working on it with my various care givers and I’m not contemplating anything dire, don’t worry, I’m just fucking worn out. And I wanted to mention it to you, I wanted to think about it with you, sit with it with you.
I have a new normal and I feel like I’ll never be able to accept it. Has that ever happened to you, sweet miracles, loving friends, adorable darlings? I expect it has, I sure wouldn’t be surprised. Something that gets you in the weakest spot, a weak spot you might not even have known you had. Something that leaches out the color from the world, the blow from which you’re pretty sure you’ll never recover.
Oh, what happened here? What happened, what happened?
I don’t exactly have any words of wisdom today about this misery.
Perhaps you do?
Many a Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.
Do you have a meditation to share? I would love to welcome you here! Email me at: thetotalfemme@gmail.com
The Total Femme 