Ever since my mom died in August it’s been, I mean, ever since I got auto-immune type one diabetes last January it’s been, I mean, ever since Tex and I went through a seriously rough patch in our marriage and I left for a few months, I mean, ever since I got cancer in 2019 and my dad died and then there was the pandemic and then Tex’s chronic health issues ramped up it’s been, I mean, ever since I had to get a divorce before there was equal marriage and then my elder son, Seth, started tanking (he recently told me he started drinking in 7th grade, I didn’t know, I didn’t know – can a heart break any more than mine already has?), I mean, ever since…. Well, it’s just been a really, really, really hard batch of years, personally, and that’s not even mentioning the wider nation and world. Tex and I have just about had it.
Bumblebees, bunny rabbits, bountiful beauties, my bitchin’ queer femme sisters, have you, also, just about had it?
At 28, Seth is currently down in Austin working on his sobriety, back in touch. The difference in agonies is profound: the agony of not knowing where he was, how he was, is now the agony of having a seat on his roller coaster of pain and shame and punishment (he punishes himself, he punishes me) as he comes into the realization that without substance, he has to step up to so many real life things, including dealing with mental health and emotional challenges, dealing with what so many years of drinking has brought down on him. Agony.
Recently, Tex and I have had, um, let’s say, vigorous conversation about the impact of Seth returning to our lives. The upshot of which is a recommittment to peace and calm where we can get it: in our own home.
We’ve long had a family rule of not approaching difficult subjects after 6pm, and we are learning how to implement more actions that result in a less stressful environment. For us, that’s stuff like more regular cleaning and decluttering (what?! I like books! and papers! and things!), planning menus so there’s less stress around meals, going to the gym, paying attention to our art, reaching out to community, neighbors, friends. Scheduling in time alone, time together. Once we set our minds to it, we knew what to do, but it’s stuff that can get lost in the stress shuffle of everything that’s going on, near and far. Easy to put down but with lasting consequence if not attended to.
Calm and peaceful also means caring for ourselves with support and company, not necessarily from each other. For me, that’s getting my femme butt back to Al-Anon meetings, going to therapy, talking about my struggles with Seth to friends other than Tex, who is an adult child, buffeted all her life by alcoholic behavior. There are times when it just isn’t fair or productive to ask her to accompany me through every agonizing twist and turn.
Butterballs, beloved bon-bons, bodacious babes, wherein lies your calm and peaceful? What does it take to get there? Can you turn your attention to that for just a bit? Wherever you are, whatever you do, can you allow cozy to be on the ascendent? Resting, insulating, being soft and sleepy doesn’t mean you’re giving up. How many of us truly believe that? Believe it, believe it, my best best besties. For how we continue, how we thrive and strengthen and bring light and joy – you know we do! – believe it.
I choose cozy.
With all my broken, healing, beating brashly and boldly big femme heart, I wish cozy for you as well.
Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you or someone you love! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme story! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!
At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.
The Total Femme 