The Total Femme

      

Last night IT WAS SO WEIRD AND FREAKY and I’m still kind of shivery, so last night I was merrily singing with my new chorus at our holiday concert, just innocently standing there on the risers next to my friend and fellow alto, trying to see the director around the tall woman standing in front of me, when I looked out into the audience AND SAW MY MOTHER! who is dead.

It obviously wasn’t my mother, but the woman’s affect, the haircut, the glasses, her stripy turtle neck, the way she was holding her mouth, boy did she really look like my mom. And then, the man sitting next to her swam into view with his red beard and red hair an a grumpy, friendly face AND HE LOOKED A LOT LIKE MY FATHER!! who is dead.

It was very strange. Later, when I saw them at the reception, they looked a lot more like themselves and not so much like my parents, but there for a little while as I was singing, they sure did.

Who knows why? I tried to figure it out, like, were they somehow there at the concert with me, sending me their heavenly blessings? It sure has been a rough year, and I sure do miss them. Do they want something from me? Or were they just sitting there, listening?

 Are they somewhere listening right now?

When my folks visited me and my former partner after we’d moved to this neighborhood, my mother was quite taken with our neighbor’s property.

“Look at that nice outcrop!” she said. “What a nice thing to have right next to you.”

And sure enough, our kids as well as the rest of the neighborhood gang did spend a lot of time clambering around over there, and I always look at it fondly even now.

When Seth was a wee tot, my mom would put him in the stroller for a walk, saying. “Let’s go out and look around. We will certainly see something wonderful.”

And they always did: a rock wall that Seth loved to pat; a squirrel with leaves in its mouth, building its nest; sap oozing from the trunk of a tree; milkweed puffs escaping from their pods.

Around that same time, my ex and I had bought a new rug for the living room, one my father really approved of.

“That’s a really nice pattern your kids will grow up with,” he said. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I remember his words whenever I look at that rug.

Something wonderful. A soothing pattern to keep you company. Making space for beauty and a peaceful moment – maybe that’s why my folks came to me last night as I leaned into singing, there next to my old friend, there with everyone else leaning into the music, doing their best, trying to see, listening, breathing, all together to send the sweetness out and over.

Rich and vibrant, in-tune and amazing, passionate, nectar-filled, floral, annointed, my queer femme beloveds, today take a breath, take a moment, fix your gaze on something wonderful, something soothing, something that connects you to who you are where you are, and take flight, my lovelies.

So much beauty.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.