The Total Femme

“Magical thinking’ is a phrase that gets bandied about a lot. If you’re a magical thinker, you’re shit out of luck because you’re not grounded in reality, you’re probably shirking responsibilities, you’re not adulting, and you’re without doubt some kind of waste of space who’s leeching off people – grown ups, that is – who understand what it means to step up and do what has to be done. Loser!

My lovey readers, you may have deduced that The Total Femme, moi, has at one time or another been the recipient of the above designation. Ayup. And yes, I am human and have flaws, including at times wishing to shy away from what are commonly thought to be adult responsibilities. Sometimes I’ve even really fucked up! But, for what I suspect are various misogynistic, classist, homophobic and more reasons, I get hit with that phrase here and again and dag, does it hurt!

It’s painful to be dismissed for not fitting into the status quo, and don’t we all know it, my beautiful and varied queer femme out-of-steppers?

On the other hand, to whom do so many cheerleaders in the SQ-uad turn when the world feels drab and without rainbows? Where do they look for cracks in the shellac?

When I first heard the term “Indian giver” as a child, I was astonished at its aptness. That is because I believed for years it referred to white people’s perfidy in their dealings with Native Americans, breaking treaties and worse. I was well into adulthood when I finally realized the phrase’s true racist origins.

Tex doesn’t like it when I repeat back her malaprops, feeling tender and like I’m mocking her. Most recently, she said with great conviction, “We can take care of that shit yesterday!” I repeated it not to make fun of her, but because of my delight in the power of language to take us places we hadn’t thought of going. That’s one of the reasons I love teaching English as a foreign language. Some of my favorites:

OH MY GAH!!

WHAT A GO!

You know, I am just a people’s pleaser.

and one that’s been firmly ensconced in our family’s repertoire for years for it’s sheer, raw power:

WHAT IS IT GOING ON?

Back to magical thinking. Rather than assuming this is negative, what if being a magical thinker actually activates creativity? Given an “impossible” situation, the adult thing to do might be to give up and move on, whereas a magical thinker might find opportunity, beauty, refreshment. Rather than shutting down, a little magical thinking might open things up and bring in a breath of fresh air. Maybe I need to twirl, curtsy, and sing out a great big, “Why thank you!” the next time someone wields that phrase at me.

Oh, sweet tagliatelle*, bigoli, fettuccine, cavatapi, and oh so adorable, wee, and dear stelle! My queer femme sisters in all your pastaliciousness, what character trait do you – and so often others – give yourself a hard time about? Whatever it is, however long it’s lodged in your craw and given you megrim, look again, my struggling, halfway underwater, hard working darlings. What is the rest of the story there?

How are you actually shining and twinkling and throwing your sparkle generously into the world?

Because you are! No matter what that noisy SQ-uad is inanely chanting and shaking their stupid pom-poms about.

You have the power of language, the queer power of takeback-turn-upside-down-revel-in-reuse-bring-it-new.

Shining, twinkling, throwing your sparkle, and your glorious FUCK YOU just where it’s needed.

*with a tip o’ the cursor to Crip Dyke over at Pervert Justice

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.