The Total Femme

When I went to visit my mother today, in her wonderful memory care unit, she was clutching a small squishy plastic kitty in one hand. As we made ourselves comfortable in the lounge, luxuriating in the lush stylings of the jazz combo currently playing, I asked what she had there. She wasn’t sure. I asked her if she’d like me to put it away, and she said “Yes!” so readily it made me laugh.

            “Are you feeling responsible for this kitty?” I asked, and again, she said, “Yes!”

            “Well then, I relieve you of kitty responsibility,” I said, whisking it away to my purse.

She thanked me, visibly relaxing.

            Where did she even get that kitty? Did someone give it to her, thinking she might like it? Is it part of some kind of ergonomic elder hand therapy? I mean, what’s that kitty for?

            I don’t know, and I doubt she does either, but there it was in her grasp, weighing heavily for all it didn’t weigh more than an ounce or two.

            My mom is 92, and she has let go of so much. She did not need that darn kitty.

All of us have to deal with a lot of tedious and real shit whether we like it or not, but how much do we also take on because we think we should or someone asked us or it was just lying there looking pitiful so we picked it up? I know I do that. Those extra impositions impact our health and well being, with their heavy, squishy, smug weight.

            Budlets, spring shoots, snow drops, my every-single-season femme rainbows in the dew, what are you clutching carrying cradling that feels miserable weighty and all consuming? Or maybe it’s super cute and appealing, but is it yours? Do you need to keep carrying it?

            I guarantee that there are things you can release, you darlings, you caring, upright, dutiful dears.

            I relieve you.

            I relieve me.

            Let’s put that kitty down.

Every Monday I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women.

At the Total Femme, my intention has been to post three times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, and Femme Friday on Friday. Lately, I’ve just been concentrating on Mondays. And sometimes weeks go by… I’m here, though. I’m here. Do you have a post you’d like to share? That would be fucking awesome! Contact me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com