Meditations for Queer Femmes – Spreadsheet Life

For some of us, our lives are spreadsheet lives. We need meds at certain times, we’re on medical diets, full of complicated fractions and fractious complications. Our days are made up of shuffling the hours so we can get our PT our OT our meditation contemplation divination rumination and whichever the other props and supports we need to get up and running, all parsed out amongst our work, our caregiving of others, our jim jams and flim flams, and frustrations.

            Spreadsheet life. There it is, in all it’s excel glory. This, then that. Plod, plod

            A friend tells me that people who look at the sky for 20 minutes a day are happier and more satisfied.

            Put it on the spreadsheet.

            A saying popular when I was young: Stop the world, I want to get off!

            How to address that intense desire for peace when you’re on the spreadsheet treadmill and one false step will drag you down and through until you’re flattened and flapping?

            Damn, that wasn’t relaxing!

            Yes, sure, some days you can flip it and be grateful for all the everythings that are helping you stay upright and somekinda functioning.

            Wonderful spreadsheet!

            How grateful I am for your guidance and greatness!

            You help me live my super best life!

            Consider the alternative!

            Other days…

            At least, sweet boxed in maxed out beloved queer femme beloveds, we have each other.

            For me, today, it comes down to that.

            You are with me. One foot in front of the other, marching, skipping, dancing. Perfecting your low-FODMAP, low-sodium, high-calcium, no-gluten, vegan Mediterranean diet concoctions. Locating walker-friendly nature paths. Loving your service dogs and letting them love you. Managing the ever-evolving FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE technological supports and crashing through the medical mishegas.

            Some of you speak up and out and I love you.

            Some of you manifest strength differently, more privately, and I love you.

            I love all of you, with your queer femme energy, out there – OUT THERE! – sticking it to the spreadsheet day after day.

            And today, flawed and flammable, wondering about the joy and the future, two minutes, two days, two months from now, here we are together.

            My deepest admiration.

            My most femmecentric thanks.

            I couldn’t do it without you.  

Many a Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com

Published in: on April 24, 2023 at 10:42 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – On the Passing of Robin

           

Yesterday Tex and I attended the memorial service for Robin Maltz, who died last month after a long and difficult illness. Her butch lover, Rob, attended her devotedly to the end and she died in Rob’s arms. Rob’s elegy was deeply moving and I hope to be able to share part of it as well as Robin’s obituary in a future post.

I didn’t know Robin very well, but she was one of the very first queer femmes I met after coming out as femme. Like many of the folks who spoke at her memorial service, my first impression of Robin was anything but warm and fuzzy. This despite my hunger for queer femme friends and for butch/femme community.

However, according to Rob, about ten years ago, a friend asked Robin why she was so hard on people – and believe me, she really was. Robin took that to heart, effecting changes in her caustic interface with the world so successfully that, in the end, there was nothing but a joy for life and a sincere, loving generosity towards herself and others.

The people who spoke at her memorial, the ones who spent time with her at the end of her life, had nothing but admiration and love for Robin. When I think back to my first impressions of her – impressions that made it quite clear that I wouldn’t be pursuing a friendship with her – I am humbled to realize that had I reached out in these past few years, Robin and I might have had much to share and give each other.

Rest in power, peace, and pussy, Robin! We didn’t get there in life, but I will keep your memory alive, as Rob asked us to. I will remember your femme sass, your fiesty smart commentary on just about everything, and your many, many gifts, not the least of which was your inspiring willingness to reexamine yourself in order to make positive, loving change, even when the time was very short. Because of you, Robin, I came away from yesterday’s service pondering and asking: am I being generous with myself and with my surroundings, human and otherwise? Am I living the most genuine life I am able?

Bumblebees, angel wings, darling femme relishers of being alive right here and now, what or who are you hard on?

What might you be able to do, with baby steps or giant leaps or just a gentle stroll, to put yourself in an even more loving and genuine and generous place?

Take a moment, take a moment. And while you’re at it, give a shout out to the femmes who’ve gone before. Deep gratitude!

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

Published in: on April 3, 2023 at 3:41 PM  Comments (2)  
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