Meditations for Queer Femmes – Oh, Anxiety, Up Yours!

            Through the kitchen window of an evening, I can often hear my neighbors, a sweet family consisting of a mom, a dad, and a tween girl. Yesterday as I was doing the dishes, I could hear the mom exhorting her daughter to come outside and help train the dog.

            “Your head is fine!” the mom was saying. “Your head is all right! There’s nothing wrong with your head! You just have anxiety, like half the rest of the planet. It’s a complete epidemic among teens right now. Nothing is wrong with your head! Now, let’s make a plan about what we want the dog to do: a sit/stay? A down? Bring the treats!”
            This morning, in the park with our own dog, who is old and slow and recently not feeling very well, I tried to enjoy the kids playing, tried to feel excited about the day. On some level, I did both of those things, but on another, like my tween neighbor, I just couldn’t help feeling like something was wrong. For me, I feel it in my stomach. A feeling of impending doom. Coming from nowhere and everywhere at once. It’s very yucky.

            I can intellectualize it to death: my paternal aunt is dying and that grief brings up grief about my dad, who died while I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. That grief brings up grief about my elder son, Seth, whose whereabouts I do not know and who does not currently choose to communicate with us. That grief brings up grief upon grief upon grief and you, dearest queer femme reader, can of course fill in the blanks about everything that’s grief-filled in our world today.

            I think that, even with as many supports as we can manage to gift ourselves with (meds, therapy, exercise, loving company, recovery community) there will still be these moments. How can there not be with all these challenges coming at us relentlessly, all these things we can do just about nothing about but that rip out our hearts? I won’t talk about those supports here, although I wish for you nothing but the best and most healing ones.

            Here, let’s just be in that feeling. There is nothing wrong with us, but we are sad. We are feeling the weight. We are grieving.

            Darlings, sweetnesses, perfect loves, there if nothing for it but to feel it. Today, for this moment, we are so fucking sad. We are so fucking worried. We are mortal and we feel it. The world is in deep trouble and we feel it. There is tragedy, up close and personal, and happening elsewhere to all beings. We hold it, we can’t ignore it, we can’t just cheer up and move on.

            Today, my queer femme companions, feel your sadness. Feel your anxious, upset, frenzied feelings. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your head or your gut or your heart. It means you’re human and aware. Me, too.

            Human with you. Human like you. Human today.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 29, 2022 at 11:30 AM  Comments (4)  
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Femme Friday – Shivani Davé and “Protect Your Femme”

I have a lovely shiny stack of back issues of Sinister Wisdom: A Multicultural Lesbian Literary & Art Journal, such a gift that it’s still with us! The other day, I pulled the out “Lesbian Learning” issue to peruse. Edited by LB Johnston and Julie R. Enszer, it came out in Winter 2020. Imagine my delight at turning a page and seeing a poem titled, “Protect Your Femme!”

The poet, Shivani Davé, is NYC based, with a BA in biochemistry and an MA in teaching. In her bio, she says that she is “a queer femme educator, artist, and lover of plants, food, magic, and rituals of healing.” You can learn more at her instagram, @getyouashiv.

My favorite part of her poem goes:

protect your femme, they’ll tell you to tread water in the trauma and ride unconditional forgiveness to the crest, to forgo the high tides of healing and submit to appeasing.

Deep gratitude to Shivani Davé for her raw and vulnerable and hopeful poem! Thank you, Shivani, for loving yourself and other femmes so much, and for the healing love you dispense.

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femme life! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 19, 2022 at 4:05 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Game Girls

            This afternoon when I called over to the Memory Care to talk to my mom, she sounded a bit flustered. I asked what was going on, and she said, “The lunch situation is not the best situation.” It took her a long time to get out the details, and I’m still not sure I understand exactly what happened to make her say that, but basically, like all of us, she’s dealing with other people. And once she finally managed to get some words out, she had a lot to say.

            “They want to be in control,” she said. I sympathized.

            “It’s all right in the way I can take hold of it,” she told me reassuringly (she doesn’t want me to worry). “I can more or less do the words, the things that I have to keep going. I can manage it, but it is a little on the difficult end. It is a bit of a drag, but I’ve managed it so far.”

            “Yeah, Mom, we just have to keep going, don’t we?”

            “That’s the only thing I can do, and I’ve done it so far. It’s the only thing you can do if you’re going to get through the things you need to. Some of the people are mostly the good part of what happens. There are people who are very good hearted.”

            Recently, a friend of the family told me, “Your mom has always been a very game girl,” and went on to tell me how this very upright and honorable university professor shocked her colleagues and students by demanding quarters and rushing off to the slot machines during a professional conference held in Las Vegas. You’ve got to try and fit in with local customs! That is certainly something she always taught me. At 90, with vascular dementia making it more and more difficult for her to express herself, she is still a game girl. Still working hard to fit in with local customs, be polite and not cause a ruckus. Find the good parts of where life has taken her.

            Dearies, precious hearts, my buttercups, I know that you are also game girls, finding love and humor and joy in and between the scary, sad, difficult, and dreary places your lives have taken you. I see it in the swing of your hips, your giggles, your songs, your kisses and hugs. I see it in our femme community of healers and lovers and artists and sisters and beloveds.

            Today, take hold of it, be aware of it, how you manage and move through and forward and beyond.

            Your neighbors, your family, your co-workers, the people you pass on the street, they are all – we are all – so much the better for your sweet, generous, big and fabulous femme hearts.

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 15, 2022 at 4:48 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Pingy-Dingy Wednesday – Great Plains Action Society and International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

I am grateful to Great Plains Action Society – Resist & Indigenize – for alerting me to the International Day of the World’s Indigenous People and “the important role that women and femme folks play in the functioning of Indigenous communities worldwide–even with the astonishingly high rates of colonial oppression and violence they face.”

I am grateful to Great Plains Action Soceity for their for their important healing work. Their campaigns include Frontline Land Defense, Food Sovereignty, and Missing and Murdered Indigenous Relatives, among others.

Here is their Mission Statement:

Great Plains Action Society addresses the trauma Indigenous Peoples and our Earth have faced and works to prevent further colonial-capitalist violence through education, direct action, cultural revival, mutual aid, and political change.

I’m a typewriter whompin’, card catalogue lovin’ white girl from back in the day, and I yearn for a time before the covers of trade paperbacks were all squidgy, so you can imagine that I don’t actually understand what a pingback is. I do know that it can in some way be part of spreading the love, and since that’s what I’m all about at The Total Femme… every Wednesday, I pay homage to the laughter and inspiration to be had elsewhere online. If you have a favorite, let me know and I’ll post it! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 10, 2022 at 7:33 PM  Leave a Comment  
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Femme Friday – Kai Cheng Thom, Confabulous!

At the Boston Dyke March this year, along with marching with the Urvis in honor of Urvashi Vaid, I handed out fliers for this very blog. “Do you identify as femme?” the fliers asked, with the invitation to come on over to my place and talk about what femme means for you, share your femme story.

            For the most part, even if the person did not identify as femme, they were polite and appeared to be perfectly ok with me drumming up femme community. The people who did identify as femme were thrilled, tucking the flier away in bras or pockets, happy to be seen. Only once did someone act offended when I asked my question, “Do you identify as femme?”

            “Sometimes!” they grumped, wrinkling up their nose. Was my question offensive? Because I looked at them and made certain assumptions? Maybe so. Maybe it was also my age and them making assumptions about me and what femme means to me, like maybe I’m anti-trans or otherwise not up with the changing times.

            Femme does mean a certain thing to me, and perhaps back in the day when I was just discovering my own precious femme identity, I was a bit snobby and judgemental of other kinds of femmes. Sometimes you need to hang on to your identity that way when it first is gifted to you. Now, however, I am secure in my own femme, and am so curious and excited to hear about other kinds of femme, what femme means to other people, how femme takes them and where it takes them.

            Kai Cheng Thom also wants to hear stories. Dangerous stories. “I wanted something kick-ass and intense,” she writes in the first chapter of Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir, “with hot sex and gang violence and maybe zombies and lots of magic.”

            This book has been on my TBR stack for just a few, and I am using this post to pour love on it and jumpstart myself. The first chapter made me weepy and a bit falling in love, so I’m going to grab the bookmark a friend just gave me – FUCK OFF, I’M READING! – and get down to it. Signing off and wishing you, also, a weekend of delicious, salacious, and dangerous stories!

Deep gratitude to Kai Cheng Thom for her dangerous stories and huge heart. Thank you for writing what needs to be written and adding to the brilliant bad-ass tapestry of femme stories. Thank you for bringing so much fiery and healing fierce femme love into the world.

Every Friday, I showcase a queer femme goddess. I want to feature you! Write to me at thetotalfemme@gmail.com and let me shine a spotlight on your beautiful, unique, femmelife! If you’ve written a femme story or poem or song, oh, please let me post it!

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 5, 2022 at 9:10 AM  Leave a Comment  
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Meditations for Queer Femmes – Bear, Lift, Fly

So much loss. So much grief. On micro and macro levels, here right at home and all over the world.

I can sink some days in sadness. Sadness I must bear.

The other day, an article about how to travel more comfortably came across my desk. Just a little piece of fluffy filler, but it had such an excited vibe to it and was so hopeful: we can go places again! One suggestion the article enthusiastically offered to make getting from here to there a little less painful was to not carry heavy shit.

Ha! Don’t carry heavy shit! That simple yet quite tricky suggestion reminded me of the book title Buddhist teacher Sylvia Boorstein joked about when I saw her speak, It’s Easier Than You Think; It’s Harder Than You Can Possibly Imagine.

Don’t carry heavy shit.

Well, I am carrying heavy shit. We all are. So that’s not an option, really, but what about finding ways to bear it? Redistribute the weight, bear up, lift?

What if there’s a way to release weight elsewhere to make the heavy shit we have to carry feel just that smallest bit lighter?

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night a lot lately. We’ve just gotten the inside of the house painted, so everything had to be moved out and moved back. There’s so much energy passing through, so many memories, many of them incredibly painful. So much we’re carrying around.

Plus, I have so much stuff! Books, records, cds, chotchkes. I adore collections and I have some really nice ones, believe you me! I love them so much, and it’s so satisfying to pet them and coo to them, oh, you lovely bookshelf of incredibly interesting and diverse social justice books you. You darlings!

Still. All my sweet collections require energy from me for their housing, their upkeep. They themselves also house various kinds of grief, like paths not taken, family fuck ups, reminders of pain. Lately I think they’re less keeping me company and lifting me up as draining me.

I want to send them back out into the universe where someone might need them more than I do, need them like I did when I found them, but it’s hard to let them go. I’m lucky, though, because with just a little bit of up-front work, I can find good homes for them. Womencrafts in Provincetown for my feminist book collection and LexPride’s library in Lexington for queer books, for example. I loved and enjoyed them when I read them, or fondled them after bringing them home from a yard sale, or whatever it may be. That love and enjoyment is part of me now. And I have other things I’d like to be doing that require my increasingly limited energy. I have books of my own to write!

Brilliant diamond lovelies, you and I are carrying such a lot. There is so much in this mortal world that we hold on our shoulders, in our hearts. That is to be human. That is to be alive right now. But today I’m asking you, what can you put down to make that burden a bit easier to bear? Where can you allow some lift in your lives?

And, oh, my sparkling queer femme sisters, oh! What might you find yourselves doing once your burdens are less weighty? What wonders might redistributing the load make room for?

Where will your travels take you now?

Every Monday, I offer a Meditation for Queer Femmes, in the spirit of my maternal grandmother, Mimi, who was fabulous, and from whom I inherited her Meditations for Women. Would you like to offer up a Meditation of your own? I would love that! Send it along to me at thetotatalfemme@gmail.com.

At the Total Femme, my intention is to post three or four times a week: Meditations for Queer Femmes on Monday, Pingy-Dingy Wednesday on Wednesday, Femme Friday on Friday, and (new for spring 22!) the occasional Sometimes On A. Rather than play catch-up in a stressful fashion on those weeks when life prevents posting, I have decided to just move gaily forward: if I miss a Monday, the next post will be on Wednesday, and so on. Thank you, little bottle of antibiotics for inspiring me in this! (“…if it’s almost time for the next dose, skip the missed dose and continue your regular dosing schedule. Don’t take a double dose to make up for a missed one.”) And…as I go through life life life, I will post as I am able, Mabel.

Published in: on August 1, 2022 at 4:06 PM  Leave a Comment  
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