Reckoning

Around the end of every month, my Beau and I sit down for several hours with our finances. They’re complicated because, for example, I have my own business and work from home, she’s also doing jobs for hire, and then I split certain expenses with my ex for the boys, etc. So we sit there for a long time with different charts and files and just figure that shit out. I do not have a numbers head, and it is a challenge, but I love working with my Beau. It’s like doing a chore for the house you love, over and over again, every month. Our house. Our life. Our love.

Plus, also (as Junie B. Jones says), my parents were here for 10 days, and whenever they’re here, we get boxes out of the attic and go through family pictures and memorabilia (I inherited much of this when my grandparents died and then my parents moved), as well as my pack-rat crazy letters and shit.

I have the kind of fliberty-gibbet brain that doesn’t retain a lot, especially if I’m doing a ton of things at once, which I always am. It’s been really cool to go through boxes of, say, my college junk, or letters I wrote my grandparents or parents, and see how incredibly much I was doing at the time. If you ask me, I’ll say something vague and not remember all that much, but the hard data says I was doing at least 20 things at once, and always, always writing.

Correlation: I am doing at least 20 things now, and most of them are worthwhile and very cool. What a thought!

At 47, I look back and my life in some confusion. I could have been and done so many things that I didn’t do. I often look at life this way. The truth is, I did a ton of stuff, and a lot of it was really worthwhile. If the goal of life is to be happy, then what the heck. I have a friend who’s worked at the Boston Globe for almost 30 years, so she has a major career under her belt, but she’s hated every minute of it, and only did it because she had to. Through the luck of the draw, I haven’t had to stick with a job I hate that much (although if I were still working at Harvard as a secretary, like I did before I had Seth, I would be a lot better off financially than I am now), but the flipside of that is that I don’t have a yardstick to measure my success. At least, not what current society would call a yardstick.

I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, now that we’ve gotten through the finances. Wine is a late-in-life discovery. Do you know, I lived in France for several years and DIDN’T DRINK WINE! How hilarious. If I ever go back, am I in for a fucking treat. How do you string together the events in your life to make a wholistic picture. Can you? How do you reckon?

Here’s something: Maybe 9 or 10 years ago, I was at least 30 pounds heavier than I am now. I was desperately unhappy, stuck in a loveless marriage (as they say), the stay-at-home mom for these two beautiful little boys. Anyway, I was singing in a chorale at the time, and took part in a roast when the (straight) director and a member of the chorale got married. Me and 3 friends sang “It Ain’t the Meat It’s the Motion” in skimpy outfits. I was BY FAR the fattest of the 4, but you know what? I was movin’ and groovin’ and I was sexy as hell. It was quite a revelation for me to see my old fatty-ass self and feel not disgust (as I have most of my life) but love and admiration for how good I looked and how funky I was dancing. How brave and rockin’ I was. That was a tape I hadn’t been able to look at ever – I’d never seen how beautiful and full of love for my friends I looked up on that stage.

I hope you can all be proud of yourself, in all your incarnations. I hope my boys can. I hope I can of them. We change and grow and do all kinds of wonderful things. So what if there’s no “product”. Product is overrated. Enjoy. Love. Eat a lot. Or not. Fuck your sweetheart. Support your community. Be a good mama. Drink wine!!!

Published in: on May 31, 2009 at 11:31 AM  Leave a Comment  

Night of the GAYS!

Tonight, my Beau and I decided to try a new pho place in a neighboring town, and when we were driving along, we saw the butch I used to date before I met my Beau. She was walking along holding hands with a femme, and I felt very glad to see that she was doing ok. And then, not four blocks later, we saw another butch, hollering across the street to someone. She was so cute! AND THEN, we got to the restaurant, and a two-mom family came in with their little boy, who spent the whole time with his nose in a book, and when we left the restaurant, two humongeous fags went in right after us and the butchier one held the door for the femmier one, who was wearing such a fabulous, very pressed and starched stripe-y pastel pink and green and yellow shirt. So adorable!

It was a two-butch night! Three, if you count my beau. It was SO GAY! And boy did it cheer us up no end. It wasn’t even Pride or anything! It’s so great when you go out and the whole world is gay with you.

Published in: on May 30, 2009 at 1:08 PM  Leave a Comment  

What a fag!

My last post prompted me to look up “DJ” by David Bowie from the excellent album “Lodger” (that and I’m writing a novel set in the 1980s so I’ve been doing mood music), and, hello, what a HUGE FAG!!! How did he turn into a desiccated straight man? I guess he’s just a morphing kinda guy. Anyway, check it out!

Published in: on May 28, 2009 at 10:28 AM  Leave a Comment  

Late Night DJ

I was thinking that blogging, way more than doing a zine, is like being a late night DJ. Probably not many people are listening, but the ones who are have their many and various reasons for being up that late and might need you more than you know. But maybe no one’s out there at all. So you have to be ok with just putting out the good vibes and if someone catches them, so much the better. I am actually pretty ok with that. But I have been absent from the studio for a while. For those of you who’d been counting on a little easy listening from me in the wee hours of the night, I apologize. I think I’m going to be spinning disks a little more frequently now; hope to, anyway.

Published in: on May 27, 2009 at 6:48 AM  Comments (2)  
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